I'm struggling. I was able to get through all the lessons in module 1 and 2 of my writing course, got an outline, very detailed outline, and a back cover all written out. When it came to actually writing the first chapter, instead of a dove let out of a cage I was a turtle retracting in my shell. Suddenly I didn't want to write it at all, I couldn't find words to say. I felt like I was trying to write another self help book or a glorified ensign article, I was just another mortal thinking I had all the answers and I DON'T!!! How ridiculous for me to think anyone would go sugar free for life. Trying to use scriptures as a case to promote my own biases, its revolting. But I know the Lord wants me to write something. What information am I supposed to share?
I want to glorify God for the direction he has given me. I want to bring others closer to the Savior. I want to help people avoid needless suffering. I do not want to promote myself, or make false promises, or include information that is just human speculation or exaggeration. I have done no data collection or research studies, I'm not reporting any findings, I have limited experience in the field, I'm not even an LCSW yet, I am getting bogged down by those mental blocks Bill so carefully informed us not to get hung up by. But I look at all the books all around me and it's all junk! I don't want to add to the junk. I want to inform and inspire, and not only inform but transform. I'm a nobody, the Spirit teaches, not me, the Spirit inspires and transforms, I'm just an instrument in the service of God, so what does he want me to say? Does He really want me to dare people to go off sugar?
I love writing on this blog but I have to admit I hate re-reading it. I can see why no one else reads it, I get all excited about something and vomit my excitement onto the keyboard and the moment passes and what did it mean? Nothing. Who cares if I was picky, hypoglycemic, perspicacious, or impatient? So what if I found healing through changing my diet? I'm one of billions of people who all have a story. Why would anyone want to read mine.
Stories that have made me want to be a better person are CS Lewis' "Mere Christianity," Victor Frankl's "Man's search for meaning," and a fiction book "These Is My Words" by Nancy Turner. They have eternal truths that you can read again and again and be inspired by. There are others but these three stand out in my mind. There are lots of other books I've read and enjoyed, and some memoirs of people who struggled with mental health problems and addiction have helped me. But no book holds more truth than the scriptures, that is what I read on a daily basis. I will never be able to write a book of scripture and do not want to, and why do I want to write a book, something people might pick up and read once and say "that's nice" and never look at again. Art is displayed for ever, movies get re-watched, poems and quotes are used over and over, but a book collects dust.
I'm really playing devil's advocate to explore my writers block. And I'm thinking that's exactly who wants me to stop.
I guess the poisons that block others from writing was getting to me too. I just want to write something meaningful, something wise, in a way that the most possible people could benefit. Everyone is different, not everyone will want to read my book, not everyone will be helped by my book, some people may even tear it to shreds, but there may be a handful that need it, and maybe that's a good enough reason to get my ideas out there. Someone may even be transformed by it. "And if it so be that ye should labor, all your days, and bring but one soul unto me how great shall be your joy with Him in the Kingdom of My Father."
