On the mark

My husband took me to a shooting range last week, I tried two types of hand guns and a shot gun, and I found I could hit the target paper but not the black center of the target even though I was pointing the gun that direction and had the center of the target it in my sights. Maybe I wasn't holding the gun steady enough or maybe I lacked the experience on how to get that bullet in the center, whatever the reason my shots were well aimed yet they were off the mark.  That is how I feel this blog is, shooting in the right direction but never quite hitting the center of the target.
In reviewing the entries of this blog, I've realized I missed the mark on a lot of things. Courageously sharing my life is harder than I thought, because no matter how "right " I feel my words are at the time I type them, I end up being slightly off the mark, just like my target shooting. In fact I took this blog off a public viewing for a while because I was ashamed of my words, I seem to claim to have all the answers but the truth about myself was missing.
The truth is I am a self absorbed woman, not all the time, but sometimes, and the fear of what was happening to my body and dread of living each day in a broken body consumed me. I kept thinking there was something I could do to fix it, I made too many things "about me" and wasn't careful enough about what to conceal and what to reveal. Have you ever seen "Sense and Sensibility"? I have sense, but sometimes I don't have sensibility. In the story, the older sister Eleanor has very many worries and heartaches but she is sensible enough to keep her problems to herself and be kind and courteous to others, whereas the younger sister Mary Ann does not approve of hiding her emotions and tells everyone how she feels and shows everyone when she is upset or depressed, and thinks of her older sister as someone who just doesn't feel anything. At one point int he movie Mary Ann realizes Eleanor has been feeling deep anguish but has been conducting herself  in a selfless manner, and she realizes there is great strength in not letting one's emotions control one's behavior, and regrets that her conduct was not more like Eleanor's. On the other hand, Eleanor learns that holding in her emotions is not always possible or wise and she fails to keep them inside at the end when she has a little meltdown herself. That is how I feel about myself, either sharing too much or too little and not finding the balance...strictly speaking, being wise.
I know a few people who bravely carry on each day doing their best and not complaining even though they experience great difficulties, and I wish to become more like them. However, I know it isn't wise to stuff everything inside and when you exercise too much emotional control it can also have negative effects. So I want to share, but I want to be wise about what I share.
Here's what I know today, and though it may change tomorrow, I feel good about sharing it today, and I pray you will forgive me my weakness and limitation of understanding if you are hearing me.

• This year I tried everything I possibly could to "get better" but didn't start to really improve until I stopped worrying about it and trusted God's will for this body and my life. Its still important to eat healthy and try your best to keep your body clean, but you can take it to an extreme and end up very anxious, skinny, self absorbed, and alone. I know someone who did this and I don't want to be that person. 
• My anxiety about what I was eating was making my problems worse, I had to "let it go" and be willing to feel and grateful for pain before I could improve. Intentional happiness and gratitude are great medicine. When I stopped talking so much about my aches and pains, I stopped thinking so much about my aches and pains, and my aches and pains stopped mattering so much.
• I wasn't being a true disciple of Christ until I stopped making things about me and started thinking of the needs of others, and I found God provided me with time to recuperate and rest when I just did what I could without worrying about how I would suffer because of it.
• The Holy Ghost was with me when I stopped dreading each day and started being grateful each day, even grateful for the pain because it helped me appreciate when things were good, and when I let go of control I found the help I needed to make things turn out well was with me the very moment I needed it.
• Love is a powerful tool that can help you make sure you aren't making things about you, but Satan will continue to try and make you judge, worry, become self absorbed, and think little of others and yourself so you must be intentional about love as well.
• My body wasn't broken, my spirit was, and until I could see that and fix myself with more gratitude, positivity, love, faith, and trust I was denying myself experiences of true joy. I thought I had those virtues, but every day I thought negatively about my lot in life I was not exercising them.
• Heavenly Father loved me even when I was confused and broken, and He corrects me when I need it, and it takes humility to accept that but is so worth it when you feel fixed. It was hard to hear "a self absorbed woman is an enemy to God" and realize I needed to hear that, but it was what I needed to get off that track.
• I was not afraid to die, I was afraid to live, and being one of the most impatient people on the planet I didn't understand why I had to live and suffer day after day, or why anyone does. Now I see the Earth as glorious and life as swift and precious, and I live in awe each day of every moment here, so let me suffer! I trust God's plan for me and this body, and no matter what occurs there is always something to be grateful for.
• When I'm 93 and my body moves slow, my memory is going, my bowels barely function, my independence is gone, my spouse is deceased, and my purpose in life questionable, I hope I can be like my amazing Grandma Rappleye and live each day with gratitude and joy and keep saying "I'm going to live to be 100!" and truly want that.
• My life is a gift, my life has a plan, my life has a purpose, in Heaven it began. When I truly realize that, I hit the mark.

"If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain."

                                  Emily Dickinson

Tested

As you know, last month I decided I was obsessing too much over my intake and health and didn't have enough information, so I scheduled a follow up with my general family doctor to see if there was any medical reason anyone could give me as to why I still had bloating and abdominal pain, didn't seem to be able to absorb my food, and had lost so much weight despite the fact that I eat a very healthy diet very regularly.  My doctor was concerned enough to order four tests, a blood draw, a stool sample, a stomach scope, and and MRI of my abdomen. After 40 day I got the results of all these tests. This is what resulted:

Blood Test
Pancreatic enzymes (lipase) still elevated but not to alarming levels. Double the normal range.

A lipase is an enzyme that catalyzes the hydrolysis of fats (lipids).Lipases are a subclass of the esterases.Lipases perform essential roles in the digestion, transport and processing of dietary lipids (e.g. triglycerides, fats, oils) in most, if not all, living organisms. Genes encoding lipases are even present in certain viruses. Most lipases act at a specific position on the glycerol backbone of lipid substrate (small intestine). For example, human pancreatic lipase (HPL),which is the main enzyme that breaks down dietary fats in the human digestive system, converts triglyceride substrates found in ingested oils to monoglycerides and two fatty acids. Several other types of lipase activities exist in nature, such as phospholipases and sphingomyelinases however these are usually treated separately from "conventional" lipases.


Stool Test
No harmful bacteria detected.

Stomach Scope
Scope showed everal small ulcers in the lining of my stomach. Some inflammation in the duodenum. No cancer detected, no sprue (celiac) detected, no H-Pylori detected. My doctor said that the celiac test could be a false positive because I haven't been eating wheat and he suggested I eat wheat for 3 weeks and do another blood test, which I have not done.

A peptic ulcer is a distinct breach in the mucosal lining of the stomach (gastric ulcer) or the first part of the small intestine (duodenal ulcer) a result of caustic effects of acid and pepsin in the lumen. Histologically, peptic ulcer is identified as necrosis of the mucosa which produces lesions equal to or greater than 0.5 cm (1/5"). It is the most common ulcer of an area of the gastrointestinal tract that is usually acidic and thus extremely painful. Helicobacter pylori is one of the most common causes of peptic ulcer. Ulcers can also be caused or worsened by drugs such as aspirin, ibuprofen, and other NSAIDs.

MRI of Abdomen
This was the most expensive test and the most frustratingly inconclusive result. I called my doctors office because no one called me about it for 4 days, and all the nurse said was, "The MRI shows Abnormal amounts of food in the lower intestines and colon. (She asked if I am constipated, which I am not, and in fact usually have the opposite problem, which suggests as I already suspected, I'm not properly absorbing my food, the question is why I have abnormal motility in my intestinal track.) So she said, "If abdominal pain still persists, see your general practitioner for further testing."

That's it!  Thank you for your prayers while I tried to figure this out, but I am still a bit confused. I am grateful that this time the doctor didn't tell me "You seem to be fine physically, maybe its just anxiety" like they did 3 years ago. And this time the doctor and the nurses were very validating, Dr. Curtis said "Sometimes there is no test for certain problems, doesn't mean there isn't a problem." Dr. Smith said, "It really sounds like celiac or gluten intolerance."  The nurse said, "You're not a hypochondriac, your a mother, the caretakers don't want to make a big deal about their health problems because they are taking care of everyone else, but you need to take care of you and figure this out."  And this time, there is at least some evidence that something is off. However, in order to find out what that is I would most likely have to spend exorbitant amounts of money on a specialist and be "further tested," so for now, I will keep being grateful for the functionality I still have and try to take as good care of myself as I know how. And yes, I still believe my theory that I have hereditary pancreatitis.

Grateful

Today I am overflowing with gratitude for my life. I know I have entered old age kicking and screaming, so bitter and frustrated that my body doesn't function like it used to, but in many ways I still functions very well. How fortunate I am!  I don't spend nearly enough time writing about or thinking about how wonderful life is, I'm so busy surviving I don't take time to live.

I'm grateful for freedom to move and live according to my will, freedom from tyrannical government and freedom to worship as I choose, freedom to choose to be happy and friendly and kind to others instead of bitter and resentful.  I'm grateful for companionship and love and family, I'm grateful for a smart hard working husband who provides me financial security and trusts me with our finances. I'm grateful for three healthy intelligent children who are precious and learning and doing their best with the life given them. I'm grateful for family and friends all around me, for those who listen and support and love me despite my weaknesses, who pray for me and are there if I ever need anything. I'm grateful for cars, and washers and dryers, dishwashers, phones, internet, and instant communication. I'm grateful for clean water, available and abundant food, and millions of recipes at our fingertips. I'm grateful for doctors and tests and healthcare, I can see so many trying to push against the darkness of not understanding how our bodies work and find enlightenment to increase our quality of life and help us live longer and easier. I'm grateful for God, my Heavenly Father, and His Son, my Savior, and I trust him and will try to be patient, finding joy in each day and being willing to submit to His will no matter what. 

"Oh, earth, you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every, every minute?"

--Our Town by Thornton Wilder