In reviewing the entries of this blog, I've realized I missed the mark on a lot of things. Courageously sharing my life is harder than I thought, because no matter how "right " I feel my words are at the time I type them, I end up being slightly off the mark, just like my target shooting. In fact I took this blog off a public viewing for a while because I was ashamed of my words, I seem to claim to have all the answers but the truth about myself was missing.
The truth is I am a self absorbed woman, not all the time, but sometimes, and the fear of what was happening to my body and dread of living each day in a broken body consumed me. I kept thinking there was something I could do to fix it, I made too many things "about me" and wasn't careful enough about what to conceal and what to reveal. Have you ever seen "Sense and Sensibility"? I have sense, but sometimes I don't have sensibility. In the story, the older sister Eleanor has very many worries and heartaches but she is sensible enough to keep her problems to herself and be kind and courteous to others, whereas the younger sister Mary Ann does not approve of hiding her emotions and tells everyone how she feels and shows everyone when she is upset or depressed, and thinks of her older sister as someone who just doesn't feel anything. At one point int he movie Mary Ann realizes Eleanor has been feeling deep anguish but has been conducting herself in a selfless manner, and she realizes there is great strength in not letting one's emotions control one's behavior, and regrets that her conduct was not more like Eleanor's. On the other hand, Eleanor learns that holding in her emotions is not always possible or wise and she fails to keep them inside at the end when she has a little meltdown herself. That is how I feel about myself, either sharing too much or too little and not finding the balance...strictly speaking, being wise.
I know a few people who bravely carry on each day doing their best and not complaining even though they experience great difficulties, and I wish to become more like them. However, I know it isn't wise to stuff everything inside and when you exercise too much emotional control it can also have negative effects. So I want to share, but I want to be wise about what I share.
Here's what I know today, and though it may change tomorrow, I feel good about sharing it today, and I pray you will forgive me my weakness and limitation of understanding if you are hearing me.
- This year I tried everything I possibly could to "get better" but didn't start to really improve until I stopped worrying about it and trusted God's will for this body and my life. Its still important to eat healthy and try your best to keep your body clean, but you can take it to an extreme and end up very anxious, skinny, self absorbed, and alone. I know someone who did this and I don't want to be that person.
- My anxiety about what I was eating was making my problems worse, I had to "let it go" and be willing to feel and grateful for pain before I could improve. Intentional happiness and gratitude are great medicine. When I stopped talking so much about my aches and pains, I stopped thinking so much about my aches and pains, and my aches and pains stopped mattering so much.
- I wasn't being a true disciple of Christ until I stopped making things about me and started thinking of the needs of others, and I found God provided me with time to recuperate and rest when I just did what I could without worrying about how I would suffer because of it.
- The Holy Ghost was with me when I stopped dreading each day and started being grateful each day, even grateful for the pain because it helped me appreciate when things were good, and when I let go of control I found the help I needed to make things turn out well was with me the very moment I needed it.
- Love is a powerful tool that can help you make sure you aren't making things about you, but Satan will continue to try and make you judge, worry, become self absorbed, and think little of others and yourself so you must be intentional about love as well.
- My body wasn't broken, my spirit was, and until I could see that and fix myself with more gratitude, positivity, love, faith, and trust I was denying myself experiences of true joy. I thought I had those virtues, but every day I thought negatively about my lot in life I was not exercising them.
- Heavenly Father loved me even when I was confused and broken, and He corrects me when I need it, and it takes humility to accept that but is so worth it when you feel fixed. It was hard to hear "a self absorbed woman is an enemy to God" and realize I needed to hear that, but it was what I needed to get off that track.
- I was not afraid to die, I was afraid to live, and being one of the most impatient people on the planet I didn't understand why I had to live and suffer day after day, or why anyone does. Now I see the Earth as glorious and life as swift and precious, and I live in awe each day of every moment here, so let me suffer! I trust God's plan for me and this body, and no matter what occurs there is always something to be grateful for.
- When I'm 93 and my body moves slow, my memory is going, my bowels barely function, my independence is gone, my spouse is deceased, and my purpose in life questionable, I hope I can be like my amazing Grandma Rappleye and live each day with gratitude and joy and keep saying "I'm going to live to be 100!" and truly want that.
- My life is a gift, my life has a plan, my life has a purpose, in Heaven it began. When I truly realize that, I hit the mark.
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain."
Emily Dickinson
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