Picky

There is a long list of foods I refused to eat at when I was a child. My mother would get so tired of hearing "No I don't want that for dinner!" that she stopped telling us what she was going to prepare. She never forced us to eat her dinner, so when tomato macaroni hamburger casserole night came around I would just make something else (like toast or mac n cheese). I was pretty much spoiled about being able to avoid foods I disliked.
I remember going to a friend's house for dinner one evening and not having the luxury of being picky, was told in simple terms by my friend's mother that I needed to eat what she put on my plate. What she had plated was frog eye salad. It looked strange, it smelled odd, the name sounded disgusting, and I was terrified to taste it. But I did taste it, and the face I made must have gotten the message through to the mother, because she said AGAIN I need to eat my food and it's not to be wasted. I felt tears spring to my eyes and a lump form in my throat, but seeing no way out of the situation I ate the frog eye salad. I nearly vomited in her kitchen and remember running home as fast as I could in case I did in fact throw up. I never ate frog eye salad again.
I always wondered why people put so many weird tasting things in their food. When I had kids I vowed I would never make them eat disgusting foods. Why put them through that torture? I judged other parents as insensitive who would make vinegar bean salad, steamed spinach, tomato cucumber salad, sweet potatoes, olives, or any of the many foods I found unpalatable and force their kids to eat it. If it looked yucky, smelled yucky, felt foreign, it would probably taste yucky. Besides, it was easy to make food that tasted good, you just add sugar and avoid bitter herbs! Having been raised with the "eat your side dish of veggies cuz they're good for you" mentality, I included some canned green beans or frozen peas or carrot sticks with every dinner, but breakfast and lunch, that was time for the peanut butter sandwiches, waffles, cereal, breads and fruit, cinnamon rolls and sticky buns! Salads were occasional and only eaten if they had a good tasting dressing and chips or croutons on top. How could anyone eat plain lettuce anyway, ew! I don't think I even bought spinach or avocados until I was 32. The only reason to eat food is if it tastes good right?
Wrong. Food is not only energy and sustenance, its medicine. You can literally heal yourself from hundreds of ailments just by eating clean, whole, healthy foods, many of which are outright bitter or are an acquired taste. When I was a young mother with small children my house was constantly cluttered because I had 3 mess makers running around 24/7, so I was spending exorbitant efforts trying to keep it clean, and some days I just gave up and let it be a mess even though I hated it messy.  If you are going to eat refined, chemical ridden, sugary foods your body will be a mess and it will take more effort to keep it clean.  Competitive athletes who spend several hours a day working out can probably afford to eat more refined foods, but for the average person the Standard American Diet (SAD) is far too much garbage and not enough medicine, and people go back to it again and again craving food that tastes good.
My kids ask me several times a week why can't healthy food taste as good as ice cream, candy bars, white bread, and cake?  The reason is because we are not supposed to live to eat, we are supposed to eat to live!  Overeating is just as hard on your body as eating poorly.  If you eat a well balanced meal of meats, proteins, healthy oils, vegetables, herbs, fermented foods, whole grains, and some fruit you can STOP eating when you are full because these foods don't cause dopamine surge cravings. They are fuel, what God intended food to be, and they can be very enjoyable.
I was introduced to the wide world of vegetables, herbs, botanical's, spices, nuts, oils, and minerals in 2011. I had to take it slow on my spinach smoothies and salads, and it was years before I could eat a plain salad with no dressing and find it very enjoyable. Now cake and cookies look TOO sweet, far too sweet, and like a stomach ache waiting to happen. Pass the vinegar bean salad and the cucumber tomatoes and olives! I'll try it if it's a whole food God intended for my body to use as food. I'm still picky, just in a radically different way.

Impatient

August 6 1994 (Age 16)
I had an experience the other day that proved to be an eye opener. I was shopping with my mom, Grandma and Grandpa Rappleye. I can't really explain how miserable I was because it was partly my fault. I was so insane when I got home because my mom, gma and gpa are the slowest people I have ever encountered. To make a long boring story short, I realized that everything I've ever experienced negatively is because I am the most IMPATIENT person in the world. Its my nature. That's the sad part. It is the single hardest thing I will have to overcome in life. For example, If I were more patient:
-I could smile in times I'm down, something I've never been able to do
-I could handle my sisters WAY better
-I could take things one step at a time, instead of trying to finish before I end
-I could be a better listener
-I could better handle a child
-I could understand others easier
-I wouldn't always put myself down
-I'd be a better driver
-I'd be more relaxed when it's time to be somewhere
-I could handle work better
-Maybe be more serviceful
I could go on but the point I'm trying to make is, I've found the link to help me through life. That in itself was hard, putting it in my life will be a challenge, I think I can I think I can I think I can. I can overcome it if I'm aware.  

I was aware, but I hadn't found the link to what would cure the impatience yet.  For whatever reason I was born in a hurry. Hurry and grow, hurry and learn, hurry and live, even at times I've wanted to hurry and die.
And hurry and digest. If my insides were more patient I would be better at digesting food, better at storing fats, better at converting glucose into glycogen.  And here's food for thought, eating sugary high carb foods made me more impatient! How? Because there is a relationship between when your blood sugar drops and your mood.  Mood follows blood glucose. Blood glucose drops, mood drops. Blood glucose goes up, mood goes up. That's why so many of us crave sweets, we like to feel good.  But the faster the glucose uptake, the quicker the good mood but the quicker the crash to a bad mood.  I wasn't letting my body act on its own behalf! No wonder I hadn't mastered the art of patience, and I didn't for many many years, and I'm still working on it, but I will. 
Leslie Korn, a PhD in nutrition science and mental health said: “[People who are] fast oxidizers burn glucose too rapidly, and they require the protein and fats to slow it down. The slow oxidizers don’t burn it rapidly enough, and do better on a higher carbohydrate vegetarian diet. Then there are the mixed types. Nature provides a wonderful blend to balance out the whole being.  Reduce toxic foods, inflammatory food, dead food, additives, and preservatives (especially with children) because they are neuro-toxic. We make most of our neurotransmitters in our gut not our brain. Increasing clean healthy food in the gut improves GABA receptors in brain, and GABA increases our sense of well being, which improves sleep and relaxation.”

I can safely say I am a Fast Oxidizer. Or an impatient glucose burner. My parents called it a fast metabolism, and it explains the skinniness. There is not any one diet that is perfect for all people. Every person has a unique culture and our ancestors evolved and thrived on different types of food, and even within families there are different metabolic types. You have to find the metabolic type diet that works for you.  For me it's one high in protein and rich nutrient dense foods. And NO SUGAR. 

Being a fast oxidizer makes the dangers of sugar more detrimental to my body than a slow oxidizer, but that doesn't make it a good food.  All the good stuff has been extracted from sugar in our modern day foods. Loss of good quality fats is also a problem; neuro-toxic sugar and fats--combined with stress of modern life--are behind epidemic of mental illness.  Sugar cane was once medicine, rich in fiber and B vitamins, but extract these and it becomes poison.  Same as with cocoa leaves, the people of South America chewed cocoa leaves for its health benefits, but extract the good stuff and it becomes cocaine which is poison for the body. Whether you are a fast oxidizer or a slow oxidizer, do your body a favor and eat food in it natural state vs concentrated state.  

“Sugar is not a good food, it should be absolutely eliminated from the diet.” Leslie  Korn, PhD, MPH, LMHC

Determined

When I set my mind to something, I have the strength of Samson when it comes to seeing it through.  My determination to beat my mental illnesses no matter what it took cost Jared quite a fortune, doctor and medication bills, therapy, some coping vacation time, a lot of reading material and a BYU graduate degree.  I am eternally grateful to him for that, hopefully my complete recovery and job as a therapist can compensate him somewhat.  My current determination is to live refined sugars and carboydrates free--but just like my journey to mental health recovery, it took some time for me to get there.

In 2009 I was given an assignment in one of my MSW classes (Substance Abuse) to eliminate something from my diet for the semester (3 1/2 months) so I could understand what its like for an addict to recover/abstain from their drug of choice.  I realized the one thing I eat consistently at every meal and then some (no joke) is sugar, so that would be the best thing to eliminate to get the full effect of the assignment. I could only stay off sugar completely for 2 days, and after a lot of frustration that week wondering what to eat, I had to adjust the rules. Sugar was in everything! I changed my object of abstainment to dessert and candy or anything with more that 3 grams of sugar per serving size, but didn't eliminate other simple carbs like chips. It was still tough!  I'd been eating sugar at every meal and dessert every day my whole life.  I noticed that not only did I drop 10 pounds, from 125 to 115, but my mood regulation seemed to be easier. Here is a paper I wrote on the experience: 

 

Lessons from Abstaining from Sugar

What you gave up

I initially gave up white sugar, not including sugar in fruits, honey, or dairy.  I changed the goal to abstaining from any food with more than 3 grams per serving size.

How many days you abstained and on what days you did not abstain

This assignment can be seen as either an absolute failure or a complete victory.  I abstained from all sugar for about a week and then realized I could not keep doing that.  There was sugar in too many foods we have in our pantry and use on a regular basis in my family.  Food such as bread, peanut butter, barbecue sauce, canned fruits, soups, salad dressings, chips, crackers, waffles and all cereals were not food items I considered having to ban before starting this assignment.  There were too many things I could not keep out of my diet without extreme stress and constant vigilance.  These foods also did not mean much to me, I did not use them to cope like I did sweets and desserts.  I decided I had been naïve and had picked something too difficult.  I had to make a new rule: I would abstain from any food with more than 3 grams of sugar per serving size.  This way I could eat dressing on my salad and sandwiches at school without reporting a relapse.  So although I have relapsed nearly every day from my original goal, I have been able to abstain from all foods with more than 3 grams of sugar per serving size every day—from September 8^th until November 30^th (84 days).  I plan to continue this sugar-filled food ban until the last day of finals, December 15^th. 

What triggered your relapses and what you learned from your triggers that is relevant to the dynamics and treatment of those who abuse alcohol/drugs

            The first month was the worst.  Every day I had triggers and at night I had dreams of eating sweets.  Morning was a trigger because I used to eat sugary cereals and breads for breakfast.  Vending machines were a trigger at school because I used to get chocolate cookies out of them.  I had to stop myself from packing a treat with my lunches.  After dinner was the biggest trigger because I had had dessert after dinner nearly every day of my life.  The week before my period was a constant trigger because I used to cope with heavy emotions by eating something sweet. 

            I consider one situation a relapse.  I was so depressed from the fact I could not eat sugar that I went to Arby’s with my husband and kids and ordered 3 Arby’s sandwiches and a lot of their Arby’s sauce knowing full well there was sugar in all the things I ordered.  I ate it all.  I wanted to be so full I would not want any chocolate or candy afterwards.  I felt sick after eating all that and knew I had justified eating sugar that night with “it’s not dessert, so I can have it.”   That was during the first month when I had such a hard time withdrawing from sugar.  I learned that users may resort to maladaptive patterns of behavior, even if that behavior does not involve drugs or alcohol, when trying to abstain.

What thoughts and feelings you experienced as a result of relapsing and what you learned from them in relation to the dynamics/treatment of users

I realized that addicts and alcoholics do not have the liberty of “changing the rules” part way through abstinence.  I am sure abstinence from drugs is much more difficult than sugar emotionally, physically, and psychologically. They have to change entire lifestyles, habits, and thought processes.  I felt guilty that I had changed the rules just because it was too difficult.  I justified my decision by telling myself, “I did not think about bread to begin with so I should be able to eat it!”  Perhaps addicts have things or situations they did not think about prior to abstaining, yet they cannot say, “I just drink at weddings” or “I have a smoke only when working a graveyard shift” because they did not consider that need/situation before.  Nobody said it would be easy, yet I tried to make it easier.  I understood how truly difficult it would be to give up something that is so pervasive in one’s life.

      Since I was not-so-perfect at completing my assignment, it gave me compassion for others who relapse or justify their behavior.  I felt strongly that I should never shame a person for relapsing, but should give them encouragement and hope and validation because it is so difficult.  I wanted to encourage people to abstain not only from the “hard” drugs, but also the less potent drugs that may be harder to stay away from.  Staying away from all sugar would have required me to divorce my friends and family and buy a completely different pantry—that is how ingrained small amounts of sugar are in my diet.  Asking addicts to do this is a tall order, but the only way to ensure prevention of relapse.

What you did in response to relapsing and what you learned from what you did in relation to the dynamics/treatment of users

            I learned that abstinence is a daily struggle and it really does require a higher power and daily reminders to stay clean.  When I went to an AA meeting, a young man there said staying clean was a constant effort for him, he had to ask God for help every minute of every day to stay off, but how grateful he was that God does help him.  But if he forgot even one day he relapsed.  I felt very similar to this young man in the way I manage my emotions.  I had to ask for help every day to cope with my emotions positively instead of drowning myself in brownies or attacking my family members or isolating myself from the world.  I wanted to help others to find the desire to stay vigilant in asking for help and telling yourself you can do this every minute of every day.

            I learned it is important to have a support group.  I would talk with my class mates and friends about what struggles we had in completing this assignment and we would commiserate and congratulate.  Even my family members were very supportive about my decision to not eat sugar.  My husband would wait until I was gone to eat ice cream with the kids.  My sisters and in-laws would ask me how it is going and encourage me to keep it up.  Even my children were sympathetic to my trial and took their largest candy bars from their Halloween candy and wrapped them up and gave them to me as presents for when I can have sugar again.  I knew I was not alone and that helped me to keep abstaining.  I can see now how important it is for alcoholics and addicts to continue to go to AA meetings or be mentors so they can have a support group.

What else you learned from the abstinence experience in relation to substance abuse, addiction, recovery, relapse, and treatment

            The third month of this assignment I realized it was getting easier to stay away from sugary foods.  I did not have the dreams anymore and I had learned other ways to cope with triggers and heavy emotions.  One way was to eat lots of fruit.  I found pears, oranges, and apples to suddenly taste very sweet and even satisfying.  I started playing the piano after dinner or lunch instead of thinking about the sugar I could not eat, and I found I very much preferred it to sugar.  Now I look at the cake and cookies people (especially my kids) eat so often and I am almost repulsed by the amounts of sweet food they eat.  My sister made me peanut butter bars with all natural sweeteners instead of sugar, I had one bite and I was done.  I did not even want it.  I lost 10 pounds without changing anything but my sugar intake.  I have been regular and healthy.  I do not know if I will go back to eating sugary foods like I used to, but at this point I have no desire to.

            This gave me a lot of hope for addicts!  If they can abstain for long enough, perhaps the drug or alcohol they used will become less appealing.  If they can manage their emotions in positive ways and find ways to manage their triggers they really can stay clean.  Of course the daily reminder to not use is so important, but they do not have to live in misery forever just because they cannot use.  At least for a person who stays away from foods with more than 3 grams per serving size it does become manageable.  It is not easy, the triggers never completely go away.  But it is possible.  I want to help others learn this possibility of life after sobriety.

I was determined to see that assignment through, but went back to my old eating sugar habits by Christmas. I remember my delight at getting candy bars in my stocking from my kids who had felt so bad for me that whole semester, and enjoying ice cream and cereal again.   School kept going and I kept eating sugar, peanut butter M&M's during class, chocolate granny cookies from the vending machine in between class, cake and ice cream at all the birthdays, and school started getting harder and harder.  By the last semester I was so stressed out I asked my husband for a hot tub to have another coping tool to relax.  He bought me one, and I used it every night. I noticed something strange, I would feel slightly dizzy and my heart would beat hard and fast if I stayed in for more than10 minutes, and sometimes I felt like I was going to faint when I got out. I didn't dare tell him, so I kept sitting in it but would limit my time. Incidentally, my daughter Fiora (a sugar addict like me) would always complain of a stomach ache when she sat in it, I thought that was odd. We would put away the hot tub in the spring, so when I started getting stressed out in 2011 my final semester I remembered the sugar-abstinence assignment and how it helped my moods, so I decided to try going off sugar again to see if it would help with the stress/anxiety. I invited my 3 kids to join me in a No-Desserts/Candy contract for a month, but told them they could save whatever sweets they got in a freezer bag for when the month was up. I did not necessarily notice any great improvement in my mood at that time, but I did notice what happened when the month was over.

In May 2011 I ate a quarter of a Oreo cookie ice cream pie I'd made for my daughter's birthday in one sitting. The next day my body decided it had had enough, and that's when the chronic health problems began. I got so dizzy the next day I thought the earth was going to swallow me every time I stood up. My heart started racing like it used to what I was pregnant.  My head was pounding all day.  I started getting tired, and it didn't let up. I thought I was pregnant but knew that was impossible. 
I went to the doctor fearing diabetes. Blood work came back normal. I went to a cardiologist. Heart looked great from every angle. I went to the doctor again, different tests for different intolerances. All came back looking fine, and I started feeling unvalidated and very discouraged. I started fearing the worst, cancer, because I knew something physical was very very off.  I sought the advice of friends and family.
I heard about people who went to the doctor for similar health problems and were told they were fine, so they tried alternate healing like oils and natural foods.  I read The pH Miracle, recommended to me by my sister Heidi, wherein the authors claim we all eat way too many "acidic" foods and need for "alkaline" foods to have a healthy efficient system. They seemed a bit extreme to me, but I decided their theory was worth trying and I had no other option to try, so determination set in and in August 2011 I started eating celery and grapefruit for breakfast, chia seeds and almonds for lunch, fish and salad for dinner, and a (what I considered disgusting at the time) spinach, avocado, cucumber, lime smoothie every day.  My headaches started to disappear, I literally felt them recede in my head.  So I kept going. I made spice and nut spread for my veggies, soups and salad dressings, I started viewing vegetables as cleansing agents, but I had to eat every 2 hours because I would be hungry only eating veggies.  I starting dropping pounds fast. I got down to 103.  My body started feeling weak and the fatigue wasn't completely gone, and my heart still raced, so I went back to the doctor in December 2011.  
He said that he was concerned about the weight loss and tested me for hypothyroidism (which came back normal).  I was feeling very humbled and willing to try anything at this point.  He told me that he thinks due to my personal and family history that its probably anxiety and I should try Zoloft. I let him write out the prescription, I even went to the pharmacy and collected it, but I never took it. I knew that physical symptoms were very often caused by anxiety, but I also knew that there was something else, something physical. If I could go two years through a rigorous graduate program with no medications, I certainly didn't need it now.
I started incorporating more meat, dairy, white bread and pasta back in my diet, hoping to stop the anorexic weight loss and build my strength again. I started feeling better so I wondered if it wasn't about alkalinity but about regulating blood sugar, since a variable in eating alkaline was eating every two hours, so I read a book about Hypoglycemia and got on that diet.  I started to thrive, my dizzy spells went away.  So I figured I had a problem with over producing insulin after all!  Can't eat sugar if I over produce insulin, that will just make everything worse. In Feb 2012 I had my kids do another Dessert/Candy free contract, and I knew from that moment on I would never go back, no more desserts and candy for me, for life. I wish I could say that would have been enough.
The question that burned in my mind was: What is causing the "hypoglycemia?"  When my negative symptoms came back in 2014, I was determined to find out. 

 

Prone to sickness

I got the chicken pox when I was in 3rd grade (1987), I can't remember if it started out as scarlatina or turned into scarlatina, but I do remember I had painful little blisters all over my body for a month. The doctors had to remove a blister from my skin to test it because it didn't look like chicken pox at all, looked like some kind of plague.  I was miserable and had to take yucky medicine, my mom and dad couldn't hold or hug me because everywhere on my skin it hurt to touch, and the neighbor girls would try to look at me in the window because I was a monstrous sight. I thought I was going to die! I still have visible and mental scars from this sickness.  The doctors all told my parents to take a picture of me because they had never seen anything like it, but I wouldn't allow it, and my parents kindly respected that, and now I regret it because I want to see what the medical anomaly of the varicella virus looked like.

Here are a couple journal entries that illustrate that when I got sick, I REALLY got sick.

Oct 4 1993

I have been deathly ill. Strep is a very bad sickness to have, excruciating pain and makes you do weird things. Its going to be awful trying to make up all the school I'm missing. But school is such a small piece of my life. Its strange how a couple of days could seem so important. I'm in agony. I can't concentrate.

Dec 15, 1993

Tomorrow can I please get better? I've missed school too much. Why do I get sick so easy?  I don't know whether or not to go, as soon as I do something (walking too fast, holding the baby,) I get a stomach ache and start coughing and I have a sines infection so my nose seems to produce overtime on snot! I wish I didn't have a nose. At this point you'd rather look like an alien too. I have been sick for 4 days. A cold on top of sinus infection on top of the flu on top of bronchitis. 

When I got sick it lasted a LONG time, but I had a high pain tolerance so I would try to keep doing things despite whatever ailment I had. I ate too much refined sugar all the time and was small and frail and hardly ever exercised, but I had no idea that was contributing to the problem. In my senior year of high school I remember the last two months of the school year, April - May, I was coughing continuously day and night, but I didn't stay home from school, in fact I went to the Senior Prom with a major headache and congestion. I made my friends miserable at our sleep overs because I couldn't stop coughing at night. My mom finally broke down and took me to the doctor and sure enough I had bronchitis again. It just amazes me how long it took to get over things, at the time I didn't know there was any abnormality with it. 

In college I had less problems with strep and bronchitis, but I had more problems with migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, and colds/sinus infections. Sometimes they got severe enough to keep me home in bed, (during a college class I had to run out and fainted in the bathroom due to a painful stool blockage) but I usually pushed through and did my schooling/work in spite of it.  When married I continued with the head aches, seemingly due to stress or menstruation, but what really got to me from age 23 -30 was depression.  When I was pregnant I was somehow free of depression but my immune system took a vacation for 9 months and I got every sickness you can think of; yeast infections, urinary tract infections, colds, stomach flu, laryngitis, diarrhea, strep, etc.  Fun fun times. After I recovered from depression, which took from 2003-2008, my body started responding to stress in different ways, with anxiety, insomnia and still the headaches, but I did every mental health coping strategy possible while going back to school and being trained as a therapist you could think of so I functioned pretty well. I felt mentally stable enough to go to graduate school in 2009, it was a rocky road but not too bad as far as illness goes. But 3 weeks after I graduated I started having chronic illness symptoms such as dizzy spells, fatigue, heart racing, and a weird head pressure I'd never experienced. And they didn't go away for three months.

I just seemed prone to sickness.

Skinny

I remember when I was 18, my aunt was watching me generously eat some yummy dessert at my Grandmother's home, and asking me if I ever watched what I eat. I told her that I've never been affected by what I eat since I was so skinny and have a high metabolism, so I don't bother worrying about sugar/fat, but it will probably catch up to me someday.  It did. But not in the way I thought it would.

I weighed only 50 pounds in 5th grade, and by 7th weighed 70 pounds. By 10th grade I weighed 105 and that's where I stayed until I was 23 and pregnant. I'm only 5 foot 1 inch so I didn't feel it was too out of the ordinary, except that no one I've ever met my height was able to maintain that weight throughout college doing barely any exercise and eating anything they wanted. The only times in my life I gained weight was when I was pregnant or on anti depressant medication. There was something hormonal to it.

When I eat excessive simple carbs and sugar, I don't gain tons of weight, but I do get sick and moody.  I've come to view it as a poison for slowly deteriorating my body. But it doesn't affect everyone that way, some people just gain weight.  Why?  I've been trying to figure out why for some people ingesting simple carbs seems to be more harmful than for others.  When I started reading the science behind blood sugar regulation, the relationship between my sugar sensitivity/intolerance and the fact that I have been so skinny most of my life started to come to the forefront of my mind, and I think I've come upon a theory. 

Diane Sanfilippo in her book 21-Day Sugar Detox explains the science of blood sugar regulation:

Glucose: the simple sugar into which all carbohydrates you eat are broken down in your body; it is absorbed into your bloodstream during digestion
Glycogen: the stored form of glucose in your liver and muscles
Glucagon: the hormone responsible for signaling the release of stored glycogen into the bloodstream

"There are tissues in your body that need small amounts of glucose to be replenished when your body's stores are low; your brain and your red blood cells. Before glucose gets stored in your liver and muscles, your liver, which is the master regulator of blood glucose levels, runs a check to make sure that your brain and red blood cells get what they need. Then it can move on to storing what's left of that glucose.
"As you eat more and more carbohydrates, your body responds with more and more insulin to help store that glucose for later use. There's a catch though: your body has limited storage space for carbohydrates. The exact amount of carbohydrate that the body can store as glycogen in the liver and muscles varies from person to person.
"So what happens when your body's carbohydrate "storage bins" are full? The carbohydrates you eat that your body doesn't use up for activity/exercise and doesn't have room to store as glycogen are converted to fat! While the body has limited storage for carbohydrates, it has unlimited storage for fat--sneaky, right? How and where you store your extra fat is determined largely by genetic predisposition."

This is where I generally have been mystified. Why can my parents gain weight, my siblings (except my brothers Jesse and Joseph, both skinny too) gain weight, and others around me gain weight when extra sugar is ingested, but I eat sugar and get sick and moody instead?  Perhaps the answer is in the muscle mass! I've observed (probably since I have low muscle mass) I only have to eat a hamburger to have carb overload, but I can't just convert it to fat and blow up like everyone else. Instead, I get sick if I overeat, for hours.
For years I could only go 4 hours without eating without feeling weak, shaky, nauseous, and irritated, maybe it's not just too much insulin production (doctors tell me my insulin levels are "normal"), instead perhaps it's because I have limited muscle mass storage.  Is it any wonder I thought I had hyperinsulinism? But all my blood sugar and insulin lab tests at doctors came back at normal levels. There is something to my being skinny and my being sugar intolerant, and it's the sugar causing the problem in the first place. More from Diane:

"You already know that your food choices impact the blood sugar-regulating hormones insulin and glucagon, but they affect a myriad of other hormones as well.  From health challenges like acne, hypothyroidism, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, low testosterone, or even fertility complications to mood swings, painful periods, or menopause, I always recommend getting blood sugar regulation under control as the first step.
"Here's the thing about blood sugar regulation: If its not working properly, then the rest of your hormonal balance can and likely will suffer."

The message I hear from Diane and many other anti-sugar authors is if I can stop making my liver and hormones work like crazy to detoxify my system from excessive carbs, I will be better able to regulate all my bodily functions. But why doesn't my buff husband have to worry so much about it?

My theory is it's partly because I have low muscle mass, such limited space to store glycogen, so my liver and hormones have to work extra hard to do something with excessive glucose, which causes strain on my body similar to a person in starvation mode, which trauma throws all my hormones off balance and I can't even regulate storing fat normally. My sister Heidi is 4 foot 11 inches, but she can store fat just fine, and she can also run marathons, and I can't; its not the height, strength of character, or will power, it's the muscle mass!  She and my parents and seven of my siblings have greater glycogen storage capacity.  Which means I need to be eating only what glucose my body can work with, which if I can do maybe means along with getting rid of negative physical and mental symptoms, I'll have to ability to increase my muscle mass and store glucose in a healthy way. That would mean, no more "hypoglycemia."

However, one thing that keeps haunting me, if refined sugars and flours are so harmful for me, why are they OK for everyone else? Or are they?

"I believe we live in a toxic food and physical inactivity environment. That is, we live in an environment that almost guarantees we will become sick. Not 100 percent of people will become sick, but the numbers who do are growing and growing and growing. I don't believe that "toxic" is too strong a word either; because the epidemic of obesity where [now 80] percent of the population are suffering. . .is a crisis by any standard."

Kelly Brownell, PHD Professor Yale Center for Eating and Weight Disorders

 

Anxious

I have dealt with anxiety for many years, I always attributed it to my hormonal menstrual cycle because at some times of the month it’s consistently worse than other times. I've never had a full blown panic attack, but I've felt like my heart would beat right out of my chest, I've felt like someone was coming up behind me to stab me in the back for no reason, I've felt like I was going to hell for a mistake I'd made, and I've had irrational perceptions of myself and others based on the anxiety I feel. There is more to it than malfunctioning hormones. Here is an article I wrote for my Successful Therapy blog, see if you can uncover the answer.

Anxiety. One among many of the wide range of emotions we will experience during our life. Depending on its intensity anxiety can range from mild nervousness or anticipation to terror or panic.  Many of my clients come with the goal of not being "so anxious" or eliminating anxiety altogether.  Is it unnecessary to be anxious?  What constitutes a healthy amount of anxiety?
We need some anxiety, it keeps us from getting into goal-hampering or dangerous situations. For example, it’s anxiety that keeps us safe on the road, we pay attention to other drivers and don't wander into the oncoming traffic due to fear of getting in an accident. But too much of it and you become a road hazard; heightened anxiety can cause you to be paralyzed by fear, hyperventilate due to panic, or cry in fear, or become too terrified to get in a vehicle altogether.
Where are you on the anxiety spectrum?  If zero were "feeling completely calm and safe" and ten were "full blown panic attack," in what situations do you find yourself at a 3? a 9?  Perhaps when you are driving you are only at a 2, but going into the grocery store anxiety levels reach a 7? Perhaps at home you are a 0, but when someone knocks on the door you jump to a 10? It is different for every person because of differences in biology, psychology, and environment. Understanding how each domain influences anxiety can help you keep your anxiety at manageable levels.
In the psychological realm, our thoughts affect our anxiety levels. If you are afraid, it’s assumed that you must be anticipating bad things will happen, otherwise the fear would not be there.  What are you anticipating bad will happen?  What are you telling yourself when you are in the anxiety-provoking situation? Changing your thoughts to be free of distortions or self defeating beliefs can help decrease your fear of what might happen. This is hard to do because thoughts are so automatic and shaped over years of development.
In the environmental realm, stress levels affect anxiety. Depending on your stage of life and circumstances you may or may not have a lot of control over your environment. Be that as it may, high stress levels increase cortisol production, which is the "stress hormone" that moves you to action and can cause influx of adrenaline to be secreted unnecessarily. High amounts of cortisol are toxic to our brains and will decrease our ability to maintain healthy levels of anxiety.
In the biological realm, our sleep, diet, and exercise regime affect our anxiety levels. High intake of caffeine and sugar will affect mood swings and may create a heightened sense of anticipation. Not eating regularly can cause low blood sugar which may make you vulnerable to feelings of fear. Exercise helps regulate chemical flow in the brain and will give you an increased sense of control. Sleep restores the brain function and allows for more ability to think clearly.  Many are the benefits of a balance in healthy eating, active lifestyle, and sleep and rest; lowered anxiety is one of the benefits.
All of these domains are affected by each other. For example, if you are experiencing high levels of stress in your environment, it may be due to the fact that psychologically you are telling yourself that your productivity level is tied to your self-worth, which makes it feel impossible to decrease your work load. This can affect your time to rest and exercise, and even may negatively affect your eating patterns.  A good place to start in managing your anxiety is by monitoring your thoughts, which is why therapy can be so helpful.  We think, therefore we fear.  Grab whatever courage you can, and seek guidance to make sure your thoughts are not exacerbating emotional pain due to anxiety.

As part of therapy, diet exercise and sleep regulations are often suggested. This is because the mind and the body are connected, what affects one system will also affect the other. For example, chronic worry or stress can cause physical symptoms such as back pain, headaches, ulcers, and much more; chronic pain such as a head injury can cause depression and agoraphobia.  Many are the benefits of balancing one's intake as well as monitoring thoughts, you can think of regulating your diet as similar to getting rid of "distortions" or "unhelpful thinking styles" in your thought processes, what we choose to ingest affects our bodies which in turn affects our moods.

One vital and simple problem that may affect your mood is the general over-consumption of sugar. Although there are many substances that can cause adverse affects on the body, this is one that many people either don't know or ignore as a contributing factor to anxiety and depression, and is extremely important to understand because of the way it causes a physical and chemical imbalance in our bodies. For those not interested in pursuing anti depressant medications, please consider eliminating excessive sugar from your diet, (along with artificial sweeteners, caffeine, alcohol, and drugs of any kind). Exercising this kind of restraint is difficult, but easier than dealing with chronic emotional pain. 

“After years of glucose/sucrose overload, the end result is damaged adrenals. When stress comes our way we no longer have a healthy endocrine system to cope with it.” –William Dufty