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Dear Kynsie,

Hi my sister, how has your missionary week been? I am feeling very happy today and prayed for you this morning to feel happy in your service as well. Today I’m feeling hopeful about my future, and my faith in Christ and assurance of His love and Heavenly Father’s love for me is strong. I feel like I overcame some kind of spiritual hurdle, and now I’m ready to get on with my personal mission in life and fulfill some potential.

I had a hard week last week, I kind of gave up on trying to be so careful about my food (except I refuse to eat anything to do with wheat and still avoid overt sugar and milk), and I didn’t cook as much, and I stopped worrying about what might be going on or thinking I was wasting away, I stopped taking vitamins and enzymes, I started eating more carbs and less veggies, making “healthy desserts” every night, I even ate freezer tacos, knowing full well that I was putting my physical and the therefore mental guard down and would pay for it. Jared and I had conflict, nearly every day, I tried to communicate how I felt but not in the ways I advise my clients to handle conflict, and not surprisingly my comments just seemed to make him mad and feel like a failure of a husband.  I stopped trying to meet his needs or show I loved him, he didn’t care in my perspective, so I didn’t care either.  I went to the doctor and he took the stomach scope test and told me he is pretty sure I have celiac disease, which if its true totally explains a lot, it not only explains the weight loss and bloating/pain, but could have been the root cause of my anxiety, my pancreas problems and sugar sensitivity, my mal-absorption issues, vitamin deficiencies, hormone and mood imbalances, fatigue, ulcers…it may even be connected to the dumb ovarian cyst! Untreated celiac can be fatal, and so I struggled with feelings of anger, why didn’t this get diagnosed 3 years ago when I started having all these physical problems and went to the doctor and even asked him to test me for celiac (which he did not because he thought it was just anxiety and gave me meds for that), why haven’t any doctors I’ve seen in the past three years tried to rule that out? Why didn’t Heavenly father inspire me that would be the problem from the start?  Why did the specialist I called tell me not to go to the doctor and just continue as I was?  When I asked for healing why was I given an anti-sugar book instead of an anti-gluten book? Why are so many people falling prey to celiac anyway??? We still don’t know conclusively, but my mind has been spinning on the idea and now I would be surprised if that wasn’t the answer.

In addition to letting my guard down, Saturday I got a stomach bug so I didn’t eat much and felt very depressed and weak.  Jared and I argued again and I felt very alone.  Mom was prompted to send me a loving and encouraging text right at that moment and it helped, but it was hard to believe the words of affirmation she gave me when my husband didn’t feel the same way about me. I was discouraged that I wasn’t the loving, faithful, trusting, hopeful person I wished I were. I knew my balance was completely thrown off.  Sunday I was asked to bear my testimony in church, I didn’t feel worthy to stand up and bear testimony of Christ when I was feeling so low, but I was determined to make my spiritual self be in charge of my weak body, and keep living my life anyway, so I got up there.  Even though I’m not sure I articulated very well what I was feeling, that was the turning point from despair and hurt to light and hope, as if God wanted to see if when I was physically, mentally, and environmentally at my lowest if I would still testify of my Savior, His love, and that being yoked with him is the best way to live your life and will lead you to a joyful end.  I do know that putting our trust in God, taking up our cross and following the Savior, loving God and all people, and keeping the commandments no matter how confusing, disappointing, messed up, painful, unfair, or hurtful our life experience is, is right! And will stretch our souls and help us learn and gain experience and compassion, and strengthen our eternal potential. That is why we are here, we are infinitely more that our physical bodies, what makes you “you” will keep going when our physical bodies die, and we (our spirits) wanted to be like our Heavenly Father so much, we agreed to experience pain, suffering, sorrow and grief, mental infirmities, betrayal and anger, with confidence that our spiritual selves would do what is right no matter how we feel, so we could be like our Father.  “For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.” Isaiah 54:7

I was full of love and forgiveness yesterday, for myself and my husband, and all confused people everywhere, and my compassion for all of us doing our best in a fallen world was overflowing. It gave me hope that if I keep being careful not to ingest wheat products I might actually be able to heal. I started thinking that eating a lot and not caring how bad it hurt or how bloated I got this week may actually have been just the medicine I needed, and I think I’m gaining weight again.  Maybe I needed to go through three years of suffering and confusion so I would be determined to find the answers, maybe I need to do more research and learn what is causing the celiac and how its related to mental health, and I can be an instrument in sharing that information with others. Maybe my pain was the launching pad of my greatest calling.  Maybe someday, for now I continue to heal.

Lucky you, getting to hear all my issues because you are stuck on the other side of a letter!  Thank you for your prayers for me and thanks for listening. Don’t worry, I’m doing well and I’m going to be ok, and I’ll keep food fighting and guarding my mental health, and will help others too. 

Hymn 43 verse 3

In the furnace God may prove thee,

Thence to bring thee forth more bright,

But can never cease to love thee;

Thou art precious in his sight.

God is with thee, God is with thee;

Thou shalt triumph in his might.

Letting it Go

That last entry was the burnt end of a long candle. The obsession of trying to figure out my problem and heal my gut that has lasted all this year finally extinguished. I was tired of my health problems being the center of my family's life and it no longer seemed to matter what the problems was, I was still alive and functional enough, so why the fuss?  It was causing more stress and conflict than good. I shut up my cook book, told my family I was taking a week off food fighting, and they would be on their own for breakfast and lunch, and could ask me to buy what they need at the store or make what they want for dinner, and I'd help them but not slave over meals for a while. Then I sang "Let it Go" anytime I felt any kind of digestive discomfort. How do you like my version?

The things I've learned all haunt me tonight
No progress to be seen
A kingdom of confusion
And it looks like I'm the queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't heal my gut, heaven knows I tried!

Don't eat sugar, don't eat dairy
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, and don't eat bread!
Or you'll be dead!

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the fridge-door!

I don't care
If I waste away!
Let the storm rage on,
The pain never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how resistance
Makes effort seem futile
And the foods that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do
To test my limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me...I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I'm tired of asking why!
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on!

My problems flurry in a dizzy guessing game
My doctors can't agree and speculate on what to name
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm fine but not normal,
Obsessing's in the past!

Let it go, let it go
Who knows what's going on?
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
Pain never bothered me anyway!


Interestingly enough, when I decided to stop caring about it, I got an email from my friend Kim. She said:

I really don't have any answers. I don't know what you should do. I know you are trying to solve your health challenges. You have been researching and trying things for some time now. But, this may not be a problem you can solve. It may be something genetic, that despite your best efforts, it will remain. That's not a positive thought, I know. But its also a thought that allows you some reassurance, that you may not be "causing" this. Your eating.....may not have caused this. It may have made things harder, but it may have come despite. It also makes me think, that you may not be able to control this. I think we all to some degree (that's why we were so successful in school) like to control things. But time and time again, the Lord reminds me that there are some things (quite a few things if I want to be honest with myself) we cannot control- it is out of our hands. This may be one of those things. 

I fall back on the phrase, "Put your trust in the Lord. Do your best. And then leave the rest to Him." -Elder Wirthlin. I think you have been doing your best Heather. I think you have been sacrificing, and really truly working hard to figure this out. I can't imagine any more that you could be doing. This is partly why its so heart breaking to hear things not improving, because you have worked so hard. 

If it were me, I wouldn't give up on trying to find a doctor. Often times I do feel doctors are guessing- and that maybe I could do a better job myself...but there may be a doctor with a new idea, or different answer. Maybe one that specializes in pancreatitis. I wouldn't give up, because, its part of doing your best. I might even try to introduce some of those foods you've sworn off (in very small amounts) so that your system wont go into shock when its introduced. I also cant eat pizza. It just wrecks havoc on my body...so I try to only eat one slice, or less, every once in a while (this might be horrible advice- it may be a naive thought- but a thought nonetheless). I would try, as much as you can, not to stress and worry. We know that stress/anxiety can also cause similar symptoms- and make any health challenge worse. I'm horrible at the no stressing thing....so I don't have great advice on how you do that one- but I know its important to try to have faith that things will work out. That things will be okay in the end. 

I love you Heather. I admire you. You are such a strong woman. I know that you know, that the Lord is aware of you. That He loves you. That He understands your grief. He understand your pain and difficulties. I don't know why you've been given this challenge- and it truly is a very difficult challenge. But I know that He is aware of your needs. I will pray that you will find the answers you are looking for! 

Her validating and encouraging words pushed me into trying to call a doctor again. I decided to try some more tests. I'm in the process of this, I've had my blood taken, submitted a stool sample, had a stomach scope, and am waiting to schedule a CT scan of my abdomen. I will let you know if anything comes of this, I've asked for prayers from friends and family, if after all this I discover its nothing then I guess that will further help me to let it go.

Chronic Pancreatitis

Chronic pancreatitis Bookmark & Share Printer-friendly version

Chronic pancreatitis is inflammation of the pancreas that does not heal or improve, gets worse over time, and leads to permanent damage.

Causes
The pancreas is an organ located behind the stomach that produces chemicals (called enzymes) needed to digest food. It also produces the hormones insulin and glucagon.
When inflammation and scarring of the pancreas occur, the organ is no longer able to make the right amount of these enzymes. As a result, your body may be unable to digest fat and key elements of food.
Damage to the parts of the pancreas that make insulin may lead to diabetes.
The condition is most often caused by alcohol abuse (or sugar and bread abuse) over many years. Repeated episodes of acute pancreatitis can lead to chronic pancreatitis. Genetics may be a factor in some cases. Sometimes, the cause is not known.

Symptoms
Abdominal pain
Greatest in the upper abdomen
May last from hours to days
Eventually may be continuous
May get worse from eating or drinking
May get worse from drinking alcohol (or eating refined bread and sugar)
May also be felt in the back

Digestive problems:
Chronic weight loss, even when eating habits and amounts are normal
Diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting
Fatty or oily stools

Treatment
People with severe pain or who are losing weight may need to stay in the hospital for:

• Pain medicines
• Fluids given through a vein (IV)
• Stopping food or fluid by mouth to limit the activity of the pancreas, and then slowly starting an oral diet
• Inserting a tube through the nose or mouth to remove the contents of the stomach (nasogastric suctioning) may sometimes be done. The tube may stay in for 1 - 2 days, or sometimes for 1 - 2 weeks.

The right diet is important for people with chronic pancreatitis to keep a healthy weight and get the correct nutrients. A nutritionist can help you create a diet that includes:

• Drinking plenty of liquids
• Limiting fats (and refined carbs)
• Eating small, frequent meals (this helps reduce digestive symptoms)
• Getting enough vitamins and calcium in the diet, or as extra supplements
• Limiting caffeine

The doctor may prescribe pancreatic enzymes. You must take these medicines with every meal. The enzymes will help you digest food better and gain weight.
Avoid smoking and drinking alcoholic beverages and (eating sugar and refined bread), even if your pancreatitis is mild.
Other treatments may involve:

• Pain medicines or a surgical nerve block to relieve pain
• Taking insulin to control blood sugar (glucose) levels

Surgery may be recommended if a blockage is found. In severe cases, part or all of the pancreas may be removed.

Outlook
This is a serious disease that may lead to disability and death. You can reduce the risk by avoiding alcohol (and sugar and refined bread!).
Complications may include:

• Ascites
• Blockage (obstruction) of the small intestine or bile ducts
• Blood clot in the vein of the spleen
• Fluid collections in the pancreas (pancreatic pseudocysts) that may become infected
• Poor function of the pancreas, including diabetes, fat or other nutrient malabsorption, and vitamin malabsorption (most often the fat-soluble vitamins, A, D, E, or K)

MY RECENT EXPERIENCE  
While we were having a wonderful anniversary trip in Israel, I decided to try my luck at tasting some of the native food there. They eat a lot of pita bread and flat bread and wheat based pasta there, all of which foods are on my NO list, but I thought maybe I could handle it for a few days, maybe I'd get a little bloated or have diarrhea, I would tough it out. After three days of eating sesame hyssop flat bread, pasta, and even a pizza, I had the Mother of ALL painful acute pancreatitis episodes I have ever experienced. It feels like a blockage in your small intestines, like a golf ball sized kidney stone or something, and your organs start to burn and seize (and in Jerusalem they were actually contracting like a uterus in labor), your back and sides feel knife sharp pain all over, and you feel like your are going to explode with air build up, but all movement in the bowels has ceased so you have to just lay there with air caught and nothing moving. 
I have had 4 others like it in my life, all so memorable because of the level 10 pain you experience, so painful you faint, sweat, turn pale, shake, and can't move. I had my first in college, in a class room, I ran to the bathroom and fainted and had to waddle to my next class to tell my teacher I couldn't make it, and I was so pale he told me to go right home. I remember even then, 18 years ago when I had no idea why it happened, thinking it had something to do with eating refined flour and swearing it off for a few days. It happened at my in law's in 2004 or 2005, I had to hide in the back room for a while and sweat it out, trying to breathe, and I thought of the desserts I had indulged in and swore I'd never eat another dessert again. Once it happened a couple years ago in my home, and for two days I felt the effects of it, I was laying down writhing in agony saying "I shouldn't have eaten that pizza yesterday!" and my cute son Weston drew a picture that had a mean pizza man on it yelling "Don't eat pizza!"  
In May 2014 Dr. Curtis took my blood labs and told me I have elevated pancreatic enzymes indicative of pancreatitis, and it is the only diagnosis I've been given that rings true for me in every particular.  October 19th 2014 in the middle of the night in the middle of a foreign country as I thought I was going to die, shaking and sweating because of the trauma of pain, the little picture of a pizza haunted me, because I had eaten the pizza served to me a the Armenian Guesthouse restaurant.  The next day I tried to go on the excursions anyway, and everyone noticed I was in pain and could barely walk and was pale, and a doctor there with us tried to tell me I was probably just constipated. I was very irritated by this ignorant diagnosis, which further discouraged me from seeking medical help.  I have prayed and prayed for direction on what to do for my health and what doctor I should see, and I always feel like doctors can't help me any more than the information from a medical encyclopedia written above and the inspiration from the Holy Ghost have already helped me. Pancreatits is genetic, my grandfather had it, it isn't just caused by alcohol abuse...sugar and refined carbohydrates are a close second to alcohol in the effects on the pancreas and liver, if your are genetically predisposed,  the Standard American diet alone can cause pancreatitis.   All my diet issues are pancreas related.  I feel like I have chronic pancreatitis,  and if I don't stick to my diet I suffer an acute pancreatitis flare up, and possibly death.  I knew this before my trip, I didn't obey, and I subsequently suffered to the point I thought I had done enough damage I was going to die. I will never eat refined wheat-based bread or pasta again. Nothing is worth that pain. 
Two weeks after the acute flare up my gut is healed again.  I take pancreatic enzymes twice a day now to help me digest my carbs, beta plus to help digest fats, and I carefully eat only slow complex, carbs with lots of fiber, vitamin supplements, and protein. And its not just what I eat that causes problems, its quantity as well, so like the treatment above suggests, I need to be careful to eat little amounts at a time. I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for helping my find a way to keep my body going, He has taught me so much.

Day 20

20 Sat

2 egg marinara omelet and half grapefruit

Salmon twist with broccoli and cauliflower

Oven fried sweet potatoes and peanut butter cookies

 
Pantry/fridge check: eggs, marinara, grapefruit, salmon, coconut aminos, olive oil, lemons, corn starch, garlic powder, pepper, broccoli, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, onion powder, chives, fresh ground peanut butter, honey, salt, baking powder, vanilla.

Salmon Twist

1 cup water

1/4 cup coconut aminos

1/4 cup honey

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

1 lemon, juiced

2 teaspoons cornstarch

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

3 (4 ounce) salmon fillets

Combine water, coconut aminos, honey, olive oil, lemon juice, cornstarch, garlic powder, and black pepper together in a saucepan; cook over medium-high heat until sauce is thickened, 5 to 10 minutes. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil.  Arrange salmon fillets on the prepared baking sheet. Brush sauce on both sides of each fillet. Fold aluminum foil loosely over fillets and seal edges together creating a packet. Bake in the preheated oven until fish flakes easily with a fork, 12 to 15 minutes. Bring remaining marinade to a boil and serve alongside cooked salmon.

Oven fried sweet potatoes

2 -3 sweet potatoes

1/4 cup oil of choice    

salt and pepper to taste          

1 tsp onion and garlic powder 

1 tsp fresh or dried minced chives

Chop sweet potato into cubes. Put all ingredients in a ziplock bag and shake to coat, spread onto large baking pan. Bake at 400 degrees for 40 minutes, stirring once half way through.

 
Peanut butter cookies
2 cups fresh ground peanut butter
1/2 cup honey
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt 
1/2 tsp vanilla powder
Combine ingredients in a blender. Dollop spoon sized balls of "dough" on baking sheet lined with wax paper, smash down with fork to make dough resemble cookies. Bake 350 degrees for about 10 minutes or until browned.