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Dear Kynsie,

Hi my sister, how has your missionary week been? I am feeling very happy today and prayed for you this morning to feel happy in your service as well. Today I’m feeling hopeful about my future, and my faith in Christ and assurance of His love and Heavenly Father’s love for me is strong. I feel like I overcame some kind of spiritual hurdle, and now I’m ready to get on with my personal mission in life and fulfill some potential.

I had a hard week last week, I kind of gave up on trying to be so careful about my food (except I refuse to eat anything to do with wheat and still avoid overt sugar and milk), and I didn’t cook as much, and I stopped worrying about what might be going on or thinking I was wasting away, I stopped taking vitamins and enzymes, I started eating more carbs and less veggies, making “healthy desserts” every night, I even ate freezer tacos, knowing full well that I was putting my physical and the therefore mental guard down and would pay for it. Jared and I had conflict, nearly every day, I tried to communicate how I felt but not in the ways I advise my clients to handle conflict, and not surprisingly my comments just seemed to make him mad and feel like a failure of a husband.  I stopped trying to meet his needs or show I loved him, he didn’t care in my perspective, so I didn’t care either.  I went to the doctor and he took the stomach scope test and told me he is pretty sure I have celiac disease, which if its true totally explains a lot, it not only explains the weight loss and bloating/pain, but could have been the root cause of my anxiety, my pancreas problems and sugar sensitivity, my mal-absorption issues, vitamin deficiencies, hormone and mood imbalances, fatigue, ulcers…it may even be connected to the dumb ovarian cyst! Untreated celiac can be fatal, and so I struggled with feelings of anger, why didn’t this get diagnosed 3 years ago when I started having all these physical problems and went to the doctor and even asked him to test me for celiac (which he did not because he thought it was just anxiety and gave me meds for that), why haven’t any doctors I’ve seen in the past three years tried to rule that out? Why didn’t Heavenly father inspire me that would be the problem from the start?  Why did the specialist I called tell me not to go to the doctor and just continue as I was?  When I asked for healing why was I given an anti-sugar book instead of an anti-gluten book? Why are so many people falling prey to celiac anyway??? We still don’t know conclusively, but my mind has been spinning on the idea and now I would be surprised if that wasn’t the answer.

In addition to letting my guard down, Saturday I got a stomach bug so I didn’t eat much and felt very depressed and weak.  Jared and I argued again and I felt very alone.  Mom was prompted to send me a loving and encouraging text right at that moment and it helped, but it was hard to believe the words of affirmation she gave me when my husband didn’t feel the same way about me. I was discouraged that I wasn’t the loving, faithful, trusting, hopeful person I wished I were. I knew my balance was completely thrown off.  Sunday I was asked to bear my testimony in church, I didn’t feel worthy to stand up and bear testimony of Christ when I was feeling so low, but I was determined to make my spiritual self be in charge of my weak body, and keep living my life anyway, so I got up there.  Even though I’m not sure I articulated very well what I was feeling, that was the turning point from despair and hurt to light and hope, as if God wanted to see if when I was physically, mentally, and environmentally at my lowest if I would still testify of my Savior, His love, and that being yoked with him is the best way to live your life and will lead you to a joyful end.  I do know that putting our trust in God, taking up our cross and following the Savior, loving God and all people, and keeping the commandments no matter how confusing, disappointing, messed up, painful, unfair, or hurtful our life experience is, is right! And will stretch our souls and help us learn and gain experience and compassion, and strengthen our eternal potential. That is why we are here, we are infinitely more that our physical bodies, what makes you “you” will keep going when our physical bodies die, and we (our spirits) wanted to be like our Heavenly Father so much, we agreed to experience pain, suffering, sorrow and grief, mental infirmities, betrayal and anger, with confidence that our spiritual selves would do what is right no matter how we feel, so we could be like our Father.  “For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.” Isaiah 54:7

I was full of love and forgiveness yesterday, for myself and my husband, and all confused people everywhere, and my compassion for all of us doing our best in a fallen world was overflowing. It gave me hope that if I keep being careful not to ingest wheat products I might actually be able to heal. I started thinking that eating a lot and not caring how bad it hurt or how bloated I got this week may actually have been just the medicine I needed, and I think I’m gaining weight again.  Maybe I needed to go through three years of suffering and confusion so I would be determined to find the answers, maybe I need to do more research and learn what is causing the celiac and how its related to mental health, and I can be an instrument in sharing that information with others. Maybe my pain was the launching pad of my greatest calling.  Maybe someday, for now I continue to heal.

Lucky you, getting to hear all my issues because you are stuck on the other side of a letter!  Thank you for your prayers for me and thanks for listening. Don’t worry, I’m doing well and I’m going to be ok, and I’ll keep food fighting and guarding my mental health, and will help others too. 

Hymn 43 verse 3

In the furnace God may prove thee,

Thence to bring thee forth more bright,

But can never cease to love thee;

Thou art precious in his sight.

God is with thee, God is with thee;

Thou shalt triumph in his might.