Letting it Go

That last entry was the burnt end of a long candle. The obsession of trying to figure out my problem and heal my gut that has lasted all this year finally extinguished. I was tired of my health problems being the center of my family's life and it no longer seemed to matter what the problems was, I was still alive and functional enough, so why the fuss?  It was causing more stress and conflict than good. I shut up my cook book, told my family I was taking a week off food fighting, and they would be on their own for breakfast and lunch, and could ask me to buy what they need at the store or make what they want for dinner, and I'd help them but not slave over meals for a while. Then I sang "Let it Go" anytime I felt any kind of digestive discomfort. How do you like my version?

The things I've learned all haunt me tonight
No progress to be seen
A kingdom of confusion
And it looks like I'm the queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't heal my gut, heaven knows I tried!

Don't eat sugar, don't eat dairy
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, and don't eat bread!
Or you'll be dead!

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the fridge-door!

I don't care
If I waste away!
Let the storm rage on,
The pain never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how resistance
Makes effort seem futile
And the foods that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do
To test my limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me...I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I'm tired of asking why!
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on!

My problems flurry in a dizzy guessing game
My doctors can't agree and speculate on what to name
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm fine but not normal,
Obsessing's in the past!

Let it go, let it go
Who knows what's going on?
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
Pain never bothered me anyway!


Interestingly enough, when I decided to stop caring about it, I got an email from my friend Kim. She said:

I really don't have any answers. I don't know what you should do. I know you are trying to solve your health challenges. You have been researching and trying things for some time now. But, this may not be a problem you can solve. It may be something genetic, that despite your best efforts, it will remain. That's not a positive thought, I know. But its also a thought that allows you some reassurance, that you may not be "causing" this. Your eating.....may not have caused this. It may have made things harder, but it may have come despite. It also makes me think, that you may not be able to control this. I think we all to some degree (that's why we were so successful in school) like to control things. But time and time again, the Lord reminds me that there are some things (quite a few things if I want to be honest with myself) we cannot control- it is out of our hands. This may be one of those things. 

I fall back on the phrase, "Put your trust in the Lord. Do your best. And then leave the rest to Him." -Elder Wirthlin. I think you have been doing your best Heather. I think you have been sacrificing, and really truly working hard to figure this out. I can't imagine any more that you could be doing. This is partly why its so heart breaking to hear things not improving, because you have worked so hard. 

If it were me, I wouldn't give up on trying to find a doctor. Often times I do feel doctors are guessing- and that maybe I could do a better job myself...but there may be a doctor with a new idea, or different answer. Maybe one that specializes in pancreatitis. I wouldn't give up, because, its part of doing your best. I might even try to introduce some of those foods you've sworn off (in very small amounts) so that your system wont go into shock when its introduced. I also cant eat pizza. It just wrecks havoc on my body...so I try to only eat one slice, or less, every once in a while (this might be horrible advice- it may be a naive thought- but a thought nonetheless). I would try, as much as you can, not to stress and worry. We know that stress/anxiety can also cause similar symptoms- and make any health challenge worse. I'm horrible at the no stressing thing....so I don't have great advice on how you do that one- but I know its important to try to have faith that things will work out. That things will be okay in the end. 

I love you Heather. I admire you. You are such a strong woman. I know that you know, that the Lord is aware of you. That He loves you. That He understands your grief. He understand your pain and difficulties. I don't know why you've been given this challenge- and it truly is a very difficult challenge. But I know that He is aware of your needs. I will pray that you will find the answers you are looking for! 

Her validating and encouraging words pushed me into trying to call a doctor again. I decided to try some more tests. I'm in the process of this, I've had my blood taken, submitted a stool sample, had a stomach scope, and am waiting to schedule a CT scan of my abdomen. I will let you know if anything comes of this, I've asked for prayers from friends and family, if after all this I discover its nothing then I guess that will further help me to let it go.