Weak

My journals indicate a pattern that had been set in motion in my life in 1991. I would utilize the friendship of a person for a season, and then move on, cherishing the memories we had but always looking toward the future for what new relationship was in store for me. I never set my cap on any one "best friend" again after the endearing childhood friendship of Lee Seaver, its traumatizing end ruined the idea of a “best friend” for me, so I would move on from one friend to the next, appreciating my friends’ strengths but eventually our differences or the circumstances would cause me to let go and leave them behind. My husband Jared is the only person who has had the unique privilege and tedious task of being stuck with me forever. I have observed others who always have that one friend with them, like a security blanket, and wondered why I didn't work that way.  I don't know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe both, which brings me to why I identify myself as weak.
I'm loyal to my family members, they are kind of stuck with me like Jared is. Long ago I was put in the role in our family system as "the strong one" and in order to maintain homeostasis I have tried to live up to this image. Although I come across as the strong one, I'm really the weak one. (Yes I am, ask Jared. He was shocked when I got accepted into graduate school, I was barely managing to stay afloat in my life at the time without the added stress of an intense graduate program, how would I survive it? I myself thought it might crush me.) I make mistakes all the time, I can only run 2 miles at one time and still can't do 1 pull up, my emotions get in the way of making wise decisions, I cry like a baby on a regular basis, I stress and worry, I fear when I should have faith, I'm impatient and irritated much of the time, and if I'm at odds with any member of my family the balance of my carefully constructed cognitive assertions that keep me going is tipped in favor of negative beliefs. And I never feel like I can call my sisters and mom, and definitely not my brothers, when I need to process my problems because then I will look weak. Heaven forbid! I can't even be strong enough to be vulnerable, I carry a fake facade around with me even though I highly value genuineness and real people. Why? Because I'm the oldest. I'm supposed to "be a good example" and serve and help people. I have to keep it all together or completely crumble to pieces.
And I did crumble to pieces; until I learned about all or nothing thinking errors. I will get into this more later, but for this entry I will just say I understand now that I can be weak and its OK. It doesn't have to be one or the other, it can be both! Look at the great things I have embraced:

Its true I'll never get everything done in a day that needs to be done. (acceptance)

I'll never be "good enough" but I am enough (acceptance and self defense)

I'm not able to completely control my emotions. (acceptance)

I'll make mistakes every day. (acceptance)

There will always be people who don't value me, judge me, and maybe even dislike me. (acceptance)

Some things are in my control, some are not, that is normal. (acceptance)

Some days I won't live up to my own standards and values. (acceptance)

I won't know all the answers. (acceptance)

I'll experience humiliation shame and fear. (acceptance)

I can accept these because it's OK, what we’re here for is to learn. (self defense)

Every day I can get up and try again. (self defense)

Every day I can be thankful for something. (self defense)

Every day I can step a little closer to my goals. (self defense)

I can endure, and save myself for days of happiness. (self defense)

I'm not an expert on everything but I have many strengths and talents. (acceptance and self defense)

I can use the strengths I have and apply them in situations I feel weak. (self defense)

I'll never give up holding to my standards and values. (self defense)

Where it truly matters to me, I excel. (self defense)

My favorite combination of acceptance and self defense sounds like this: "I'm weak and I'm strong. I'll never be 100% good or 100% bad. I'm capable and I'm limited, I fail and I succeed. There's no one like me out there so there's no one I'd rather be than me."

In my later years, I have been able to talk more about my weaknesses with my siblings and parents, but I'm not all the way vulnerable with them yet. For instance, I have thought "I feel ashamed, I should call Holly, she would listen and empathize and not judge" but do I pick up the phone? No. I soldier on, write about it in my journal, try to be strong, and then usually melt down and Jared has to deal with it yet again. One day, though, I will break free of that strong role and let someone else in the family maintain the homeostasis, and I will be the one who is needy and vulnerable and weak. That will take a lot of strength!