Determined

When I set my mind to something, I have the strength of Samson when it comes to seeing it through.  My determination to beat my mental illnesses no matter what it took cost Jared quite a fortune, doctor and medication bills, therapy, some coping vacation time, a lot of reading material and a BYU graduate degree.  I am eternally grateful to him for that, hopefully my complete recovery and job as a therapist can compensate him somewhat.  My current determination is to live refined sugars and carboydrates free--but just like my journey to mental health recovery, it took some time for me to get there.

In 2009 I was given an assignment in one of my MSW classes (Substance Abuse) to eliminate something from my diet for the semester (3 1/2 months) so I could understand what its like for an addict to recover/abstain from their drug of choice.  I realized the one thing I eat consistently at every meal and then some (no joke) is sugar, so that would be the best thing to eliminate to get the full effect of the assignment. I could only stay off sugar completely for 2 days, and after a lot of frustration that week wondering what to eat, I had to adjust the rules. Sugar was in everything! I changed my object of abstainment to dessert and candy or anything with more that 3 grams of sugar per serving size, but didn't eliminate other simple carbs like chips. It was still tough!  I'd been eating sugar at every meal and dessert every day my whole life.  I noticed that not only did I drop 10 pounds, from 125 to 115, but my mood regulation seemed to be easier. Here is a paper I wrote on the experience: 

 

Lessons from Abstaining from Sugar

What you gave up

I initially gave up white sugar, not including sugar in fruits, honey, or dairy.  I changed the goal to abstaining from any food with more than 3 grams per serving size.

How many days you abstained and on what days you did not abstain

This assignment can be seen as either an absolute failure or a complete victory.  I abstained from all sugar for about a week and then realized I could not keep doing that.  There was sugar in too many foods we have in our pantry and use on a regular basis in my family.  Food such as bread, peanut butter, barbecue sauce, canned fruits, soups, salad dressings, chips, crackers, waffles and all cereals were not food items I considered having to ban before starting this assignment.  There were too many things I could not keep out of my diet without extreme stress and constant vigilance.  These foods also did not mean much to me, I did not use them to cope like I did sweets and desserts.  I decided I had been naïve and had picked something too difficult.  I had to make a new rule: I would abstain from any food with more than 3 grams of sugar per serving size.  This way I could eat dressing on my salad and sandwiches at school without reporting a relapse.  So although I have relapsed nearly every day from my original goal, I have been able to abstain from all foods with more than 3 grams of sugar per serving size every day—from September 8^th until November 30^th (84 days).  I plan to continue this sugar-filled food ban until the last day of finals, December 15^th. 

What triggered your relapses and what you learned from your triggers that is relevant to the dynamics and treatment of those who abuse alcohol/drugs

            The first month was the worst.  Every day I had triggers and at night I had dreams of eating sweets.  Morning was a trigger because I used to eat sugary cereals and breads for breakfast.  Vending machines were a trigger at school because I used to get chocolate cookies out of them.  I had to stop myself from packing a treat with my lunches.  After dinner was the biggest trigger because I had had dessert after dinner nearly every day of my life.  The week before my period was a constant trigger because I used to cope with heavy emotions by eating something sweet. 

            I consider one situation a relapse.  I was so depressed from the fact I could not eat sugar that I went to Arby’s with my husband and kids and ordered 3 Arby’s sandwiches and a lot of their Arby’s sauce knowing full well there was sugar in all the things I ordered.  I ate it all.  I wanted to be so full I would not want any chocolate or candy afterwards.  I felt sick after eating all that and knew I had justified eating sugar that night with “it’s not dessert, so I can have it.”   That was during the first month when I had such a hard time withdrawing from sugar.  I learned that users may resort to maladaptive patterns of behavior, even if that behavior does not involve drugs or alcohol, when trying to abstain.

What thoughts and feelings you experienced as a result of relapsing and what you learned from them in relation to the dynamics/treatment of users

I realized that addicts and alcoholics do not have the liberty of “changing the rules” part way through abstinence.  I am sure abstinence from drugs is much more difficult than sugar emotionally, physically, and psychologically. They have to change entire lifestyles, habits, and thought processes.  I felt guilty that I had changed the rules just because it was too difficult.  I justified my decision by telling myself, “I did not think about bread to begin with so I should be able to eat it!”  Perhaps addicts have things or situations they did not think about prior to abstaining, yet they cannot say, “I just drink at weddings” or “I have a smoke only when working a graveyard shift” because they did not consider that need/situation before.  Nobody said it would be easy, yet I tried to make it easier.  I understood how truly difficult it would be to give up something that is so pervasive in one’s life.

      Since I was not-so-perfect at completing my assignment, it gave me compassion for others who relapse or justify their behavior.  I felt strongly that I should never shame a person for relapsing, but should give them encouragement and hope and validation because it is so difficult.  I wanted to encourage people to abstain not only from the “hard” drugs, but also the less potent drugs that may be harder to stay away from.  Staying away from all sugar would have required me to divorce my friends and family and buy a completely different pantry—that is how ingrained small amounts of sugar are in my diet.  Asking addicts to do this is a tall order, but the only way to ensure prevention of relapse.

What you did in response to relapsing and what you learned from what you did in relation to the dynamics/treatment of users

            I learned that abstinence is a daily struggle and it really does require a higher power and daily reminders to stay clean.  When I went to an AA meeting, a young man there said staying clean was a constant effort for him, he had to ask God for help every minute of every day to stay off, but how grateful he was that God does help him.  But if he forgot even one day he relapsed.  I felt very similar to this young man in the way I manage my emotions.  I had to ask for help every day to cope with my emotions positively instead of drowning myself in brownies or attacking my family members or isolating myself from the world.  I wanted to help others to find the desire to stay vigilant in asking for help and telling yourself you can do this every minute of every day.

            I learned it is important to have a support group.  I would talk with my class mates and friends about what struggles we had in completing this assignment and we would commiserate and congratulate.  Even my family members were very supportive about my decision to not eat sugar.  My husband would wait until I was gone to eat ice cream with the kids.  My sisters and in-laws would ask me how it is going and encourage me to keep it up.  Even my children were sympathetic to my trial and took their largest candy bars from their Halloween candy and wrapped them up and gave them to me as presents for when I can have sugar again.  I knew I was not alone and that helped me to keep abstaining.  I can see now how important it is for alcoholics and addicts to continue to go to AA meetings or be mentors so they can have a support group.

What else you learned from the abstinence experience in relation to substance abuse, addiction, recovery, relapse, and treatment

            The third month of this assignment I realized it was getting easier to stay away from sugary foods.  I did not have the dreams anymore and I had learned other ways to cope with triggers and heavy emotions.  One way was to eat lots of fruit.  I found pears, oranges, and apples to suddenly taste very sweet and even satisfying.  I started playing the piano after dinner or lunch instead of thinking about the sugar I could not eat, and I found I very much preferred it to sugar.  Now I look at the cake and cookies people (especially my kids) eat so often and I am almost repulsed by the amounts of sweet food they eat.  My sister made me peanut butter bars with all natural sweeteners instead of sugar, I had one bite and I was done.  I did not even want it.  I lost 10 pounds without changing anything but my sugar intake.  I have been regular and healthy.  I do not know if I will go back to eating sugary foods like I used to, but at this point I have no desire to.

            This gave me a lot of hope for addicts!  If they can abstain for long enough, perhaps the drug or alcohol they used will become less appealing.  If they can manage their emotions in positive ways and find ways to manage their triggers they really can stay clean.  Of course the daily reminder to not use is so important, but they do not have to live in misery forever just because they cannot use.  At least for a person who stays away from foods with more than 3 grams per serving size it does become manageable.  It is not easy, the triggers never completely go away.  But it is possible.  I want to help others learn this possibility of life after sobriety.

I was determined to see that assignment through, but went back to my old eating sugar habits by Christmas. I remember my delight at getting candy bars in my stocking from my kids who had felt so bad for me that whole semester, and enjoying ice cream and cereal again.   School kept going and I kept eating sugar, peanut butter M&M's during class, chocolate granny cookies from the vending machine in between class, cake and ice cream at all the birthdays, and school started getting harder and harder.  By the last semester I was so stressed out I asked my husband for a hot tub to have another coping tool to relax.  He bought me one, and I used it every night. I noticed something strange, I would feel slightly dizzy and my heart would beat hard and fast if I stayed in for more than10 minutes, and sometimes I felt like I was going to faint when I got out. I didn't dare tell him, so I kept sitting in it but would limit my time. Incidentally, my daughter Fiora (a sugar addict like me) would always complain of a stomach ache when she sat in it, I thought that was odd. We would put away the hot tub in the spring, so when I started getting stressed out in 2011 my final semester I remembered the sugar-abstinence assignment and how it helped my moods, so I decided to try going off sugar again to see if it would help with the stress/anxiety. I invited my 3 kids to join me in a No-Desserts/Candy contract for a month, but told them they could save whatever sweets they got in a freezer bag for when the month was up. I did not necessarily notice any great improvement in my mood at that time, but I did notice what happened when the month was over.

In May 2011 I ate a quarter of a Oreo cookie ice cream pie I'd made for my daughter's birthday in one sitting. The next day my body decided it had had enough, and that's when the chronic health problems began. I got so dizzy the next day I thought the earth was going to swallow me every time I stood up. My heart started racing like it used to what I was pregnant.  My head was pounding all day.  I started getting tired, and it didn't let up. I thought I was pregnant but knew that was impossible. 
I went to the doctor fearing diabetes. Blood work came back normal. I went to a cardiologist. Heart looked great from every angle. I went to the doctor again, different tests for different intolerances. All came back looking fine, and I started feeling unvalidated and very discouraged. I started fearing the worst, cancer, because I knew something physical was very very off.  I sought the advice of friends and family.
I heard about people who went to the doctor for similar health problems and were told they were fine, so they tried alternate healing like oils and natural foods.  I read The pH Miracle, recommended to me by my sister Heidi, wherein the authors claim we all eat way too many "acidic" foods and need for "alkaline" foods to have a healthy efficient system. They seemed a bit extreme to me, but I decided their theory was worth trying and I had no other option to try, so determination set in and in August 2011 I started eating celery and grapefruit for breakfast, chia seeds and almonds for lunch, fish and salad for dinner, and a (what I considered disgusting at the time) spinach, avocado, cucumber, lime smoothie every day.  My headaches started to disappear, I literally felt them recede in my head.  So I kept going. I made spice and nut spread for my veggies, soups and salad dressings, I started viewing vegetables as cleansing agents, but I had to eat every 2 hours because I would be hungry only eating veggies.  I starting dropping pounds fast. I got down to 103.  My body started feeling weak and the fatigue wasn't completely gone, and my heart still raced, so I went back to the doctor in December 2011.  
He said that he was concerned about the weight loss and tested me for hypothyroidism (which came back normal).  I was feeling very humbled and willing to try anything at this point.  He told me that he thinks due to my personal and family history that its probably anxiety and I should try Zoloft. I let him write out the prescription, I even went to the pharmacy and collected it, but I never took it. I knew that physical symptoms were very often caused by anxiety, but I also knew that there was something else, something physical. If I could go two years through a rigorous graduate program with no medications, I certainly didn't need it now.
I started incorporating more meat, dairy, white bread and pasta back in my diet, hoping to stop the anorexic weight loss and build my strength again. I started feeling better so I wondered if it wasn't about alkalinity but about regulating blood sugar, since a variable in eating alkaline was eating every two hours, so I read a book about Hypoglycemia and got on that diet.  I started to thrive, my dizzy spells went away.  So I figured I had a problem with over producing insulin after all!  Can't eat sugar if I over produce insulin, that will just make everything worse. In Feb 2012 I had my kids do another Dessert/Candy free contract, and I knew from that moment on I would never go back, no more desserts and candy for me, for life. I wish I could say that would have been enough.
The question that burned in my mind was: What is causing the "hypoglycemia?"  When my negative symptoms came back in 2014, I was determined to find out.