Tired

One of the biggest symptoms since 2011 I've struggle with is just being tired. I was tired a lot when I was pregnant with my four children, but it was expected then, I was making a baby and it was tricky to sleep through the night so of course I was exhausted all the time. When I started having chronic fatigue without being pregnant, I was very impatient about it. Walking around like a zombie isn't my ideal way of living a life. I absolutely had to get a good nights rest in order to function normally the next day, and I had to have a 30 minute nap every day, and even then by 8:00 pm I was feeling so tired I could barely stay awake until 9:00. I've gotten a lot of guff from people making fun of me for my early bedtime, but with the exception of new years eve, I'd rather have my gums scraped than stay up later than 9!  There is something about my health problems that makes a restorative period absolutely necessary, I somehow destroy my body by fueling my body all day and at night during sleep is my chance to try and reset. The thought of not getting enough sleep at night is nothing short of torturous. I shove the earplugs in my ears, sleep in a separate room from everyone in the house, hope and pray no one has any emergencies for the next 8 hours, and pass out. I used to have middle insomnia where I would wake up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep for 2 hours, but lately even that has been rare in my desperate need for sleep.  I can sleep easily for 9 hours most nights.

I'm tired right now! And it's only 7:45 pm. I'm tired when I wake up in the morning. I'm tired after the kids get off to school, I'm tired after lunch, I'm tired after my nap, sometimes I'm even tired during my client sessions!  There doesn't seem to be enough time to rest ever, but I'm trying to not care and just keep living my life as if I were alert and I am grateful for moments when I have that feeling of awakeness. The hard part is not being irritable with others when I have these tired feelings. My husband Jared is reading "How to Win Friend and Influence People for Teenage Girls" with my daughters and when he was teaching them the importance of being kind and considerate to others, I had to ask "How do you be nice to others when you aren't feeling well yourself?"  That is hard. Love is an antidote for many vices, if you are intentionally trying to love others you won't judge, won't assume a higher moral ground, won't criticize, will be less self conscious, have less anxiety, worry less about their perception of you, be able to observe and need and serve better, be less negative with yourself, and have more trust and confidence in others and yourself. Its so hard for me to show love to others when I'm tired and don't feel well, I very much admire those who can.  It's a goal for me this year to try and be kind to others no matter how I feel.

The other morning I literally had to "pump myself up" just to make breakfast in the morning. "You can do this Heather! Just keep moving, don't stop, you can do it!" When I have a busy day I find meaning and purpose in life and it makes me happy, but it wipes me out and the next day I have to recover. Stress is toxic to my body and I try very hard to keep it at bay and relax as much as I can, but I find myself wound up without even realizing it. How can I rest and digest if I'm in a constant state of worry? No wonder I have so many digestive issues.

But my digestive issues run deeper than that. If my problem truly is that I have been unable to properly digest foods that are nutrient rich, protein rich, mineral rich, vitamin rich, fiber resistant, and rich in healthy fats, then it explains why my bones have been underdeveloped, my iron low, my b vitamins low, my muscle tone poor, my hormones off, and my mental health at risk and unstable throughout my life.  I could digest simple carbs ok and store them, but I always felt like I was starving after a few hours and never understood why. I was depleting myself and didn't even know it.  After I stressed myself near to death in graduate school, my body had had it, and that's when I got dizzy spells, chronic head aches, blurred vision, foggy brain, and of course fatigue in addition to my "hypoglycemic complex" when I was eating sugar and simple carbs on a regular basis.  Since I've removed the simple carbs and eat much more of the proteins and nutrient dense foods, I have more opportunity to absorb them and my hair grows thicker, my muscles feel stronger, my depression is minimal to none, no more headaches or brain fog, but I still don't absorb them well!  Its a lot of work for my body so I'm still tired!  And I still have an excess of food in my gut and strange reactions to certain foods like gluten, dairy, peanuts, and soy. I can't gain weight, my stomach hurts often, and I'm bloated on a daily basis. If the answer is simply to have more hydrochloric acid in my stomach to help me digest large food molecules, I'll gladly take it. But I'm not going to just start taking that without doctor consultation, so I need to keep my appointment with the gastrointernalologist. I know I'm getting old and may be tired for a lot of the time the rest of my life, but I'm hopeful that not being so tired is something that will happen if I can figure out what is wrong with me and treat it.

But I'm tired. I have learned so much this past year about health and nutrition and myself, but I'm tired of trying and getting no where closer to the answer. If you've read my words you know I've had several different theories along the way. The Lord directed me to read the Anti Sugar book and I was convinced if I eliminated sugar I would get better. Then I read the anti gluten books and was certain if I got rid of gluten that would cure me. Dr. Curtis put my on the pancreatits track and I was 100% convinced that was it, and then to admit I didn't have enough of those symptoms and say "no that's not it" was humbling and conflicting. I had the ovarian cysts, maybe its all hormonal imbalance and I need hormone treatment or a hysterectomy? No that would cause more problems. Maybe if I get off dairy? Off meat? On supplements? Herbal antibiotics? I found out I had ulcers, so then I got on the "I have h-pylori" track. But the h-pylori tests all came back negative. I had a doctor tell me not to seek doctors and be grateful for the functionality I have. I've had friends tell me to go to the doctor until I figure it out. Maybe its just anxiety and if I stop stressing I will start digesting? I know that's only part of it.  I know I can't digest meat but I can't live without meat either. I've had a hard time, and I'm tired.

Family is life's greatest blessing. I'm grateful for my family no matter how tired I get. My Savior and the gospel have gotten me through all the confusing, tiring, difficult times in my life and I will be eternally grateful for that. Life is so precious and so fast, I'll keep going tired or not, until God sees fit to bring me home.  "Jesus Lover of my Soul Let me to thy bosom fly. While the nearer waters roll while the tempest still is high. Hide me O my Savior hid, Till the storm of life is past. Safe into the haven guide. Oh, receive my soul at last."