Broken

I went to see an Gastroenterologist yesterday. I went back and forth about keeping that appointment for a month, but decided to go ahead and go through with it to see if maybe I could learn something from an "expert." I tried to keep my expectations were pretty low, but alas, Dr. Alsolomain managed to not even meet the lowest of low expectations. He is just the same as the doctors at Premier Family Medical, ask a few questions, interrupt and talk over you, start with the least invasive/complicated name for the symptoms given, give no explanation as to what is causing the problem, give a few pointers to control symptoms, take your blood work to make sure they aren't missing something, and send you home as quick as they can. No questions about diet or nutrition, no questions about supplements, a blanket statement "don't eat fat" and "how about a follow up in 4 weeks?" For what? You haven't helped me figure out the problem, and as far as I know you don't really care either. He didn't listen, he didn't explain, he didn't help. I wasn't all that surprised after, but a little discouraged.

His brilliant diagnosis? I don't get food out of my stomach fast enough so everything is backed up. "Don't eat fat and take Miralax, its a very safe and gentle medicine." Yes I've been told about the Miralax. What do you mean don't eat fat? Transfat? Monounsaturated fat? Polyunsaturated fat? Unsaturated fat? Animal fat? Saturated fat? "Just don't eat animal skins or bacon and ham, boil things instead of fry them." Sounds well thought through. More like religion speaking, pigs are unclean don't eat them. Fine. I won't eat pork or fried food any more. That isn't going to do anything. I keep thinking something I do will actually help, if I cut out all fat out of my diet my brain will suffer, but my tummy will feel good? If my brain suffers my gut suffers! If I don't eat fat because my gut can't handle it I'll cause a myriad of other problems. Besides, the other day I got bloated after eating celery and almond butter, what has that got to do with pork fat? "Oh and take some probiotics" he tacks on. Well, since you didn't ask me about what I eat I guess you don't know I already have been taking probiotics. "You should feel better in a few weeks" he says. I've been suffering from these problems most of my life and you think in a few weeks not eating fat is going to make me all better? OK. Thanks old man integrated in the medical model, I learned something from you, doctors won't and can't help me unless I'm even more broken than I currently am. Good thing I intervened in 2011 when I was falling fast and prevented myself from becoming diabetic, MS, parkinsons, or worse.

I am broken and that's why I keep seeking help. This doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to, but Sunday I lost control of my behavior because of strong negative emotions again. It was the end of a difficult premenstrual week, for some reason my brain wasn't communicating with my reproductive organs to just start the period, it wasn't communicating with my bowels to have regular BMs, I was bloated nauseous hungry but didn't want to eat, had hot flashes all night, and spikes and crashes in my blood sugar. I was angry and tired and confused, I couldn't problem solve effectively and caused a division in my marriage, and again question my ability to be mentally stable enough to even be married. It went beyond not feeling well, I felt like a devil had taken over my mind and body and I was helpless to fight against it. After everything I do to keep myself mentally and physically clean and stable I still break down. What imbalance in my gut nervous system, hormone regulation, and neurotransmitters is causing this misery? My body is functioning, but it hates me. It's like a little torture chamber I'm stuck in, and the doctors just see an IBS sort of thing going on, don't have an answer as to why, and don't see the connections between that and my physical and emotional pain. It's frustrating, I feel like a lot of the things I have done have helped me heal in some ways, but not others, and for that I have to admit I just don't know what to do.

I coped with this information by accepting God's will for my life and this body. It was something I was born with and something I will die with, and being willing to feel it and experience it helped me accept it. I am grateful for the functioning I do have, even if part of me always has been and always will be broken.

LDS Hymn #120

1. Lean on my ample arm,
   O thou depressed!
   And I will bid the storm
   Cease in thy breast.
   Whate'er thy lot may be
   On life's complaining sea,
   If thou wilt come to me,
   Thou shalt have rest.
   If thou wilt come to me,
   Thou shalt have rest.
2. Lift up thy tearful eyes,
   Sad heart, to me;
   I am the sacrifice
   Offered for thee.
   In me thy pain shall cease,
   In me is thy release,
   In me thou shalt have peace
   Eternally.
   In me thou shalt have peace
   Eternally.