Stressed

Fight and Flight or Rest and Digest? What if how we eat has more to do with digestion issues than what we eat? If you are eating on the run, gulping things down, thinking about the million things you need to do while eating, eating while working, not eating then stuffing yourself, scared to eat, hate to eat, etc etc, your millions of motor complexes and hormones, gut neurotransmitters, enzymes and everything that goes with digestion are not going to be able to work efficiently.  We live in an information age, we work very hard but not in the ways our ancestors worked--with their hands and their backs--we work with our minds. The stress we encounter every day puts strain on our system, instead of being threatened once in a while by enemies, predators, or accidents that put a body's sympathetic nervous system on alert and creates a "fight or flight" response that produces cortizone, cortisol, and adrenaline not conducive to digestion, we experience stress multiple times a day in smaller amounts but which creates the same kind of response, which creates havoc on the digestion system. It's like death by a million cuts.

How can we get back to rest and digest in a modern world?  A home cooked meal where we sit down and savor the food is a luxury. It's no wonder everyone is addicted to sugar, it produces the quickest pleasurable response, its our modern way of enjoying eating. When do you eat? Do you sit down? Do you chew your food so your stomach can get ready to produce the proper amounts of acid and bicarbonate, so it can get food to the right pH to trigger the appropriate enzymes? Do you think about what you are eating or what you need to do in the next 5 minutes?  Is the body in a state where it can move things through in order or is it worked up and sporadically firing here and there throughout the digestive track?

I have a hard time with this, as you know I'm by nature impatient and claim to be smart and anxious, so getting myself int he proper Zen mode to eat is tricky.  After a long week of stimulating my mind for work 20 hours, keeping track of kids' schedules and responsibilities, meeting my own schedule demands and responsibilities, trying to find the right balance between stress and rest is tricky. By Friday my mind is pretty worked up and sleep is difficult to maintain and my stomach churns all night long. So I take a day to rest and reset my adrenals, which helps and my stomach feels much better and I sleep like a baby. Oh how I wish we could have rest days every day!  Would I even have digestion issues at all if I could stay calm at all times?  Even the act of writing this post I feel my stomach clenching as I work my mind to create the words to articulate my thoughts. I am going back and forth between this and uploading a video on youtube of my son's gym meet, so I'm double tasking besides. My stomach is growling because I need to eat breakfast, yet I have set my mind to working before I have eaten which will make it harder to rest and digest.

But if I don't stay vigilant, am I being slothful? We need to work to survive, and I live in a world where stress and work are usually yoked together, in my experience they certainly are.  Can I break that yoke and work hard but not stress? Or what if stress isn't necessarily a bad thing?  Is there a way to be stressed and be ok at the same time?  Dr. Kent seems to think so, he said the following:

"Stress is not always negative. It is part of our general adaptation syndrome: the classic stress response, when we feel a threat our body goes into defensive mode.

Every living being has a certain amount of adaptation vitality, energy and designed to respond to stress, non-living things are non-living because they don't have a nervous system with the ability to adapt, living beings can adapt. Complete absence of stress is not compatible with life, saying “I want to eliminate stress in my life” is really a shame because the only time you are going to eliminate stress in your life is the day you die. If you are alive you are adapting to stress and that’s the essence of life and the human experience.

Positive stress is what we seek as human beings--competing at an athletic event, falling in love, excelling in your life’s purpose--those are all stressful, all require adaptation to change, but they bring exhilaration and growth. Why do people jump out of airplanes for a rush? Gong to movies that make them cry? Stand up and sing in front of people? We want to expand the scope of the human experience.

Problems occur when your body and mind misinterpret and opportunity for growth as a threat. The reason we have stress response that causes the heart to beat faster and muscles to tighten, flight or fight, is because of prehistoric days, but today that fearful response (what is seen to the mind and body as a threat) is often inappropriate. You don’t need this response when someone criticizes you, or your overwhelmed with the amount of work you are facing. These situations will not kill you! These aren’t threats, they are opportunities for growth. If your body perceives them as such they will do the appropriate thing to adapt and experience growth.  In order to do that you need a nervous system that is free from interference.

What interference? The nervous system the master system of the body causes you to adapt to all of these challenges, allows you to thrive survive and to grow.  A cell cannot be in growth and defense at the same time. Can’t happen. If that’s true, then a human being can’t be in growth and defense at the same time, a family can’t, a society can’t, and therefore what we seek to do is to get people out of defense and into growth by allowing their bodies to get an accurate perception of what is going on in the world and allow them to adapt. Our bodies haven’t had enough time to catch up with technology. Still have flight fight response, but the body have a lot of things going for it to allow us to adapt i.e. spirituality, therapy, health care, etc. Today we are subjected to forms of physical stress (cars, airplanes, deadlines) potential to overload the system, when that happens its possible that a vertebral subluxation occurs. A blown fuse. One of the bones in the spine can misalign can interfere with function of the nerves, pain in neck and back. More than a spinal problem, a health problem, communication system in body—nervous system—being interfered with.  Pain that triggers hormones design to adapt and you fire them over and over bad things happen, you need to interrupt that pattern. State of mind plays a role in the process."

                      
Christopher Kent, DC, JD STRESS: GOOD AND BAD

There are a myriad of problems that can occur when the system is overloaded, if your genetic weak link is vertebral subluxation then you will have back problems. If you have problems with thyroid, blood sugar regulation, headaches, depression, whatever your weak link is will be negatively affected if you are in defense mode or having negative stress.  Interfere, get out of that pattern, challenge your assumptions, change your state of mind, and above all FEAR NOT!

Fear not, though the enemy deride;

Courage, for the Lord is on our side.

We will heed not what the wicked may say,

But the Lord alone we will obey.

                     Let us All Press On

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

                     How Firm a Foundation

I will not doubt, I will not fear;

God's love and strength are always near.

His promised gift helps me to find

An inner strength and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly

My trust, my prayers, humility.

His Spirit guides; his love assures

That fear departs when faith endures.

                   When Faith Endures

Writer

In the realms of mental health, nutrition, and medicine the research world is currently littered with the term "gut to brain axis," and much needed attention is being given to the interplay between the nervous system of the gut and the nervous system of the brain. Neurotransmitters that regulate brain function are first produced in the gut, so it stands to reason that imbalances in either realm will affect the other.

How deep does the connection run? Is depression merely a manifestation of malabsoption of nutrients due to a variety of causes such as bacteria, inflammation, infection, or parasites? Could the food we eat have severe affects on mood and cause long term neurological degeneration?  Researchers are noticing a relationship between functional bowel disorders and brain disorders, i.e. a high percentage of children with Autism also have improper gut motility (constipation, diarrhea) or food intolerances/allergies, but which comes first, the gut disorder or the brain disorder? Could regaining function in your bowels not only improve your mood, motivation, hope, but also eliminate pathological anxiety and depression?

In my experience, the answer is mostly yes. However, even in something as seemingly simple as nutrition, we have to be careful to avoid all or nothing thinking errors. For example, gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye that tends to cause negative gut and brain issues in many people, has gotten a very bad rap because of the disease sprue (celiac) where the immune system destroys the small intestine in attempt to kill gluten. Celiac is potentially deadly and should be taken very seriously, but the idea of "gluten intolerance or sensitivity", what is that? One thing that may cause it is if you have some kind of infection or low stomach acid, a relatively minor problem and easily treatable, yet your ability to absorb food properly may be compromised and you may have imbalanced strains of bacteria in your SI tract, causing "leaky gut." When large molecules of food penetrate this gut, and cross the blood brain barrier, it causes negative affects on the brain such as brain fog, inability to focus, fatigue, and head aches. Since gluten is one of the foods that easily penetrates this leaky gut, and its effect on the brain can be disastrous, consuming it can be problematic for many people even if they don't have celiac disease. But for some, with no dysfunction in bowel movement or absorption, gluten may pass through without causing harm to the individual. Hence the need to be careful not to assume that gluten is always the bad guy.

Functionality can be influenced both ways. For example, someone who experiences a severe trauma may develop PTSD symptoms irregardless of their diet, however the resulting anxiety, panic, depression, sleep dysregulation problems triggered by the trauma will most likely negatively affect digestion, which could perpetuate the symptoms and create a downward cycle. Researchers show that alcoholics in recovery start craving sugary foods, and those who turn to carbs and sweets are the ones mostly likely to relapse to their drug of choice and end up back in rehabilitation. However, those who change their diet to include nutrient dense, protein rich, non sweet whole foods are able to stay sober and regain functionality in mood regulation. The simple reason is they were able to regulate the gut to brain axis and thus maximize emotional regulation.

No client I have ever met likes to be told what to eat, even though the 64 oz soda they ingest every day may be negatively affecting their blood sugar regulation, bacterial and yeast balance, and a myriad of digestive and mood difficulties that result. Even soda has its positive effects, if what you are going for is a temporary mood lift and quick rise in blood sugar, then you've got the right fuel. But we know that what is good for us in the short run is not always the best in the long run. Being mindful of what you really want and need may include being aware of the connection between food and brain function.

Just as people have both strengths and weaknesses, different foods have both benefits and drawbacks. It may be wise to be wary of any experts telling you to completely ban a certain food or over promoting a certain supplement. There are benefits and risks to nearly every food, and eliminating foods can cause problems just as eating harmful foods (when your gut is compromised) can also cause problems.  The important thing is not whether you eat blueberries or take fish oil every day, its about the motivation and mindfulness of eating. Are you eating because you are craving something and feeding an organism bigger than yourself like Candida overgrowth?  Are you not eating because you have anxiety that this food will hurt your body or make you fat?  Are you paying attention to what your mood and digestive response is to certain foods, or are you pushing through the negative symptoms and eating what you want?  If you are craving it, if you have negative digestive responses eating it, the brain to gut axis is telling you something is off--be mindful of the connection gut to brain and brain to gut!

Rather than demonizing a food, balance your intake. If you chose to start avoiding simple carbs and refined foods you will have to replace it with something, and your body will have more opportunity to eat more whole foods, and foods rich in healthy fats and protein to boost your amino acid production and vitamin and mineral content, which boosts tryptophan and serotonin production in your brain. But don't completely get rid of vegetables and fruits and even carbohydrates that have many healthy benefits as well!  Even a starchy potato can be good, with the skin on and cooked and chilled a potato has many resistant fiber and carbohydrate benefits that we would be remiss to eliminate from our diet. It will take some time to build healthy bacterial strains and eliminate the harmful strains creating the cravings, and some elimination of foods may be necessary for a temporary period in order to heal your gut from damage, but keep in mind that reintroducing those foods in moderate and wise amounts will be necessary so you can get the benefits from that food. Educate yourself on the benefits of food and how it affects your brain, but be wise to not believe everything you read on the internet, choose reputable sources and find the truth in what the nutritionists have discovered. Every body is different, you can find out what works for you, but be aware of the connection between the gut and the brain when you eat.

Tired

One of the biggest symptoms since 2011 I've struggle with is just being tired. I was tired a lot when I was pregnant with my four children, but it was expected then, I was making a baby and it was tricky to sleep through the night so of course I was exhausted all the time. When I started having chronic fatigue without being pregnant, I was very impatient about it. Walking around like a zombie isn't my ideal way of living a life. I absolutely had to get a good nights rest in order to function normally the next day, and I had to have a 30 minute nap every day, and even then by 8:00 pm I was feeling so tired I could barely stay awake until 9:00. I've gotten a lot of guff from people making fun of me for my early bedtime, but with the exception of new years eve, I'd rather have my gums scraped than stay up later than 9!  There is something about my health problems that makes a restorative period absolutely necessary, I somehow destroy my body by fueling my body all day and at night during sleep is my chance to try and reset. The thought of not getting enough sleep at night is nothing short of torturous. I shove the earplugs in my ears, sleep in a separate room from everyone in the house, hope and pray no one has any emergencies for the next 8 hours, and pass out. I used to have middle insomnia where I would wake up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep for 2 hours, but lately even that has been rare in my desperate need for sleep.  I can sleep easily for 9 hours most nights.

I'm tired right now! And it's only 7:45 pm. I'm tired when I wake up in the morning. I'm tired after the kids get off to school, I'm tired after lunch, I'm tired after my nap, sometimes I'm even tired during my client sessions!  There doesn't seem to be enough time to rest ever, but I'm trying to not care and just keep living my life as if I were alert and I am grateful for moments when I have that feeling of awakeness. The hard part is not being irritable with others when I have these tired feelings. My husband Jared is reading "How to Win Friend and Influence People for Teenage Girls" with my daughters and when he was teaching them the importance of being kind and considerate to others, I had to ask "How do you be nice to others when you aren't feeling well yourself?"  That is hard. Love is an antidote for many vices, if you are intentionally trying to love others you won't judge, won't assume a higher moral ground, won't criticize, will be less self conscious, have less anxiety, worry less about their perception of you, be able to observe and need and serve better, be less negative with yourself, and have more trust and confidence in others and yourself. Its so hard for me to show love to others when I'm tired and don't feel well, I very much admire those who can.  It's a goal for me this year to try and be kind to others no matter how I feel.

The other morning I literally had to "pump myself up" just to make breakfast in the morning. "You can do this Heather! Just keep moving, don't stop, you can do it!" When I have a busy day I find meaning and purpose in life and it makes me happy, but it wipes me out and the next day I have to recover. Stress is toxic to my body and I try very hard to keep it at bay and relax as much as I can, but I find myself wound up without even realizing it. How can I rest and digest if I'm in a constant state of worry? No wonder I have so many digestive issues.

But my digestive issues run deeper than that. If my problem truly is that I have been unable to properly digest foods that are nutrient rich, protein rich, mineral rich, vitamin rich, fiber resistant, and rich in healthy fats, then it explains why my bones have been underdeveloped, my iron low, my b vitamins low, my muscle tone poor, my hormones off, and my mental health at risk and unstable throughout my life.  I could digest simple carbs ok and store them, but I always felt like I was starving after a few hours and never understood why. I was depleting myself and didn't even know it.  After I stressed myself near to death in graduate school, my body had had it, and that's when I got dizzy spells, chronic head aches, blurred vision, foggy brain, and of course fatigue in addition to my "hypoglycemic complex" when I was eating sugar and simple carbs on a regular basis.  Since I've removed the simple carbs and eat much more of the proteins and nutrient dense foods, I have more opportunity to absorb them and my hair grows thicker, my muscles feel stronger, my depression is minimal to none, no more headaches or brain fog, but I still don't absorb them well!  Its a lot of work for my body so I'm still tired!  And I still have an excess of food in my gut and strange reactions to certain foods like gluten, dairy, peanuts, and soy. I can't gain weight, my stomach hurts often, and I'm bloated on a daily basis. If the answer is simply to have more hydrochloric acid in my stomach to help me digest large food molecules, I'll gladly take it. But I'm not going to just start taking that without doctor consultation, so I need to keep my appointment with the gastrointernalologist. I know I'm getting old and may be tired for a lot of the time the rest of my life, but I'm hopeful that not being so tired is something that will happen if I can figure out what is wrong with me and treat it.

But I'm tired. I have learned so much this past year about health and nutrition and myself, but I'm tired of trying and getting no where closer to the answer. If you've read my words you know I've had several different theories along the way. The Lord directed me to read the Anti Sugar book and I was convinced if I eliminated sugar I would get better. Then I read the anti gluten books and was certain if I got rid of gluten that would cure me. Dr. Curtis put my on the pancreatits track and I was 100% convinced that was it, and then to admit I didn't have enough of those symptoms and say "no that's not it" was humbling and conflicting. I had the ovarian cysts, maybe its all hormonal imbalance and I need hormone treatment or a hysterectomy? No that would cause more problems. Maybe if I get off dairy? Off meat? On supplements? Herbal antibiotics? I found out I had ulcers, so then I got on the "I have h-pylori" track. But the h-pylori tests all came back negative. I had a doctor tell me not to seek doctors and be grateful for the functionality I have. I've had friends tell me to go to the doctor until I figure it out. Maybe its just anxiety and if I stop stressing I will start digesting? I know that's only part of it.  I know I can't digest meat but I can't live without meat either. I've had a hard time, and I'm tired.

Family is life's greatest blessing. I'm grateful for my family no matter how tired I get. My Savior and the gospel have gotten me through all the confusing, tiring, difficult times in my life and I will be eternally grateful for that. Life is so precious and so fast, I'll keep going tired or not, until God sees fit to bring me home.  "Jesus Lover of my Soul Let me to thy bosom fly. While the nearer waters roll while the tempest still is high. Hide me O my Savior hid, Till the storm of life is past. Safe into the haven guide. Oh, receive my soul at last."

Learning

I am in the middle of watching "The Digestion Sessions" series by Underground Wellness with Sean Croxton.  I don't feel "Aha!" when I learn something anymore, instead I see each of the "experts" Sean interviews as another player pushing against the darkness that keeps us in ignorance of how our bodies work, and it is interesting.  I respect them for sharing information with others, for learning and working the best they know how to help others and uncover truth, and I would love to join them. Maybe someday I can but right now I have three children and a husband to take care of, and my body is still recuperating from some major imbalances. So for now I keep learning and share what I learn on this lovely blog. Here's what I've learned this month:
The digestion sessions have led me to another theory about my current state of health. Dr. Kalish talked about H-pylori and how when you have that it causes ulcers and not enough acidity in your stomach.  If you don't have enough acid, you can't digest your food fast enough or efficiently, and it leaves the stomach at the wrong acidity level, doesn't trigger the proper enzymes, doesn't get absorbed by the intestines correctly, putrifies and causes diarrhea or bacterial overgrowth, which can lead to bloating, leaky gut, food allergies and chronic fatigue, etc etc.  I watched that lecture the same day doctor Smith called me back to talk about my MRI scan.  He said that all my valves, organs, and blood vessels between organs look good, but I do have excess food in my colon, and am I still having pain and do I want any further tests. So I asked him for one more test, an H-pylori antigen stool test.  He agreed and called that in, and referred me to a gastrointernologist for further testing.  I haven't heard back from the doctors office (two weeks later) about the antigen test, so I assume its negative, but Dr Kalish said it is rather difficult to detect h-pylori and sometimes takes 3 or more stool samples, and breath tests and stomach scopes don't always catch it.  So I decided to take some herbal antibiotics in oil form and Mastic Gum for 30 days and see if it helps.  I have the ulcers for a reason, yes stress exacerbates the bacteria that causes them, but it doesn't cause them, and if my stomach acid is low that explains why only eating small amounts of food at a time is the way to avoid adverse side effects, why my pancreatic enzyme levels are off, why I have so much excess food in my colon/intestines, why I don't absorb food well, and why I am so tired all the time.  I've been on various antibiotic oils like oregano for 10 days now and I'm feeling somewhat better lately, it makes me hopeful that I'm achieving some balance.  However, I need healthy bacteria to stay healthy, and who knows what I'm doing to that. 
Have you ever heard the story of the man and his son and the horse? It sums up how I feel about treatments, seeing another doctor, even learning new things that may or may not be accurate.

Once upon a time there was a man with one acre of land, one son, and one horse. One day his horse got loose and ran away, and all his family and friends said, "Oh! How unfortunate for you! That's your only horse, what are you going to do?" But the man just said "I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing."
The horse joined a bunch of wild horses and became very thirsty. So the horse found his way back to the farm and brought 10 wild horses with him. All the farmers family and friends said, "Oh how fortunate for you. You now have 10 more horses! " and the man said, "I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing."
One day while the man's son was out training one of the wild horses, the horse reared up and landed on the boy, and broke both his legs. The farmer's family and friends said to him, "Oh! How unfortunate for you. That's your only son. What are you going to do?" but the man just said, "I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing."
The next week war broke out and all the able-bodied young men in the village were called to serve in the war.  The farmer's son could not go due to his broken legs, and all the sons of the village were killed on the front. All the famer's friends bitterly chided, "How fortunate for you, your son did not have to go to war." The man only replied, "I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing."
After some time the farmer's son became very depressed because his friends had all died in the war and he had not been able to fight with them, so he left the farm and his father to find a better life. As neighbors wondered how he would be able to go on, he said "I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing."
Five years later the son returned with a small fortune and a wife, and the old man was able to retire and sold his farm to his son who became quite wealthy. Though others looked on in envy, the wise man only smiled.
"I don't know if its a good thing, or a bad thing."

I have an appointment with the gastrointernologist January 28th.  My mom thinks I should keep it and continue seeking medical answers. My husband has declined to offer his opinion about whether I should keep it.  I am considering cancelling it and just continue learning about health and nutrition and being grateful I have the functionality I have. The doctors at the general practitioner "Premier Family Medical" have done a good job of convincing me there is nothing really wrong, or give me labels that aren't even true, and spending more money on doctors and tests just to show that I'm physically "normal" from every angle would be a bad thing.  But if I could find out more about my health or wellness by going, if I could learn what really is causing my digestive issues, it could help me to be able to better help others and share correct information, so it could be a good thing.

On the mark

My husband took me to a shooting range last week, I tried two types of hand guns and a shot gun, and I found I could hit the target paper but not the black center of the target even though I was pointing the gun that direction and had the center of the target it in my sights. Maybe I wasn't holding the gun steady enough or maybe I lacked the experience on how to get that bullet in the center, whatever the reason my shots were well aimed yet they were off the mark.  That is how I feel this blog is, shooting in the right direction but never quite hitting the center of the target.
In reviewing the entries of this blog, I've realized I missed the mark on a lot of things. Courageously sharing my life is harder than I thought, because no matter how "right " I feel my words are at the time I type them, I end up being slightly off the mark, just like my target shooting. In fact I took this blog off a public viewing for a while because I was ashamed of my words, I seem to claim to have all the answers but the truth about myself was missing.
The truth is I am a self absorbed woman, not all the time, but sometimes, and the fear of what was happening to my body and dread of living each day in a broken body consumed me. I kept thinking there was something I could do to fix it, I made too many things "about me" and wasn't careful enough about what to conceal and what to reveal. Have you ever seen "Sense and Sensibility"? I have sense, but sometimes I don't have sensibility. In the story, the older sister Eleanor has very many worries and heartaches but she is sensible enough to keep her problems to herself and be kind and courteous to others, whereas the younger sister Mary Ann does not approve of hiding her emotions and tells everyone how she feels and shows everyone when she is upset or depressed, and thinks of her older sister as someone who just doesn't feel anything. At one point int he movie Mary Ann realizes Eleanor has been feeling deep anguish but has been conducting herself  in a selfless manner, and she realizes there is great strength in not letting one's emotions control one's behavior, and regrets that her conduct was not more like Eleanor's. On the other hand, Eleanor learns that holding in her emotions is not always possible or wise and she fails to keep them inside at the end when she has a little meltdown herself. That is how I feel about myself, either sharing too much or too little and not finding the balance...strictly speaking, being wise.
I know a few people who bravely carry on each day doing their best and not complaining even though they experience great difficulties, and I wish to become more like them. However, I know it isn't wise to stuff everything inside and when you exercise too much emotional control it can also have negative effects. So I want to share, but I want to be wise about what I share.
Here's what I know today, and though it may change tomorrow, I feel good about sharing it today, and I pray you will forgive me my weakness and limitation of understanding if you are hearing me.

• This year I tried everything I possibly could to "get better" but didn't start to really improve until I stopped worrying about it and trusted God's will for this body and my life. Its still important to eat healthy and try your best to keep your body clean, but you can take it to an extreme and end up very anxious, skinny, self absorbed, and alone. I know someone who did this and I don't want to be that person. 
• My anxiety about what I was eating was making my problems worse, I had to "let it go" and be willing to feel and grateful for pain before I could improve. Intentional happiness and gratitude are great medicine. When I stopped talking so much about my aches and pains, I stopped thinking so much about my aches and pains, and my aches and pains stopped mattering so much.
• I wasn't being a true disciple of Christ until I stopped making things about me and started thinking of the needs of others, and I found God provided me with time to recuperate and rest when I just did what I could without worrying about how I would suffer because of it.
• The Holy Ghost was with me when I stopped dreading each day and started being grateful each day, even grateful for the pain because it helped me appreciate when things were good, and when I let go of control I found the help I needed to make things turn out well was with me the very moment I needed it.
• Love is a powerful tool that can help you make sure you aren't making things about you, but Satan will continue to try and make you judge, worry, become self absorbed, and think little of others and yourself so you must be intentional about love as well.
• My body wasn't broken, my spirit was, and until I could see that and fix myself with more gratitude, positivity, love, faith, and trust I was denying myself experiences of true joy. I thought I had those virtues, but every day I thought negatively about my lot in life I was not exercising them.
• Heavenly Father loved me even when I was confused and broken, and He corrects me when I need it, and it takes humility to accept that but is so worth it when you feel fixed. It was hard to hear "a self absorbed woman is an enemy to God" and realize I needed to hear that, but it was what I needed to get off that track.
• I was not afraid to die, I was afraid to live, and being one of the most impatient people on the planet I didn't understand why I had to live and suffer day after day, or why anyone does. Now I see the Earth as glorious and life as swift and precious, and I live in awe each day of every moment here, so let me suffer! I trust God's plan for me and this body, and no matter what occurs there is always something to be grateful for.
• When I'm 93 and my body moves slow, my memory is going, my bowels barely function, my independence is gone, my spouse is deceased, and my purpose in life questionable, I hope I can be like my amazing Grandma Rappleye and live each day with gratitude and joy and keep saying "I'm going to live to be 100!" and truly want that.
• My life is a gift, my life has a plan, my life has a purpose, in Heaven it began. When I truly realize that, I hit the mark.

"If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain."

                                  Emily Dickinson

Tested

As you know, last month I decided I was obsessing too much over my intake and health and didn't have enough information, so I scheduled a follow up with my general family doctor to see if there was any medical reason anyone could give me as to why I still had bloating and abdominal pain, didn't seem to be able to absorb my food, and had lost so much weight despite the fact that I eat a very healthy diet very regularly.  My doctor was concerned enough to order four tests, a blood draw, a stool sample, a stomach scope, and and MRI of my abdomen. After 40 day I got the results of all these tests. This is what resulted:

Blood Test
Pancreatic enzymes (lipase) still elevated but not to alarming levels. Double the normal range.

A lipase is an enzyme that catalyzes the hydrolysis of fats (lipids).Lipases are a subclass of the esterases.Lipases perform essential roles in the digestion, transport and processing of dietary lipids (e.g. triglycerides, fats, oils) in most, if not all, living organisms. Genes encoding lipases are even present in certain viruses. Most lipases act at a specific position on the glycerol backbone of lipid substrate (small intestine). For example, human pancreatic lipase (HPL),which is the main enzyme that breaks down dietary fats in the human digestive system, converts triglyceride substrates found in ingested oils to monoglycerides and two fatty acids. Several other types of lipase activities exist in nature, such as phospholipases and sphingomyelinases however these are usually treated separately from "conventional" lipases.


Stool Test
No harmful bacteria detected.

Stomach Scope
Scope showed everal small ulcers in the lining of my stomach. Some inflammation in the duodenum. No cancer detected, no sprue (celiac) detected, no H-Pylori detected. My doctor said that the celiac test could be a false positive because I haven't been eating wheat and he suggested I eat wheat for 3 weeks and do another blood test, which I have not done.

A peptic ulcer is a distinct breach in the mucosal lining of the stomach (gastric ulcer) or the first part of the small intestine (duodenal ulcer) a result of caustic effects of acid and pepsin in the lumen. Histologically, peptic ulcer is identified as necrosis of the mucosa which produces lesions equal to or greater than 0.5 cm (1/5"). It is the most common ulcer of an area of the gastrointestinal tract that is usually acidic and thus extremely painful. Helicobacter pylori is one of the most common causes of peptic ulcer. Ulcers can also be caused or worsened by drugs such as aspirin, ibuprofen, and other NSAIDs.

MRI of Abdomen
This was the most expensive test and the most frustratingly inconclusive result. I called my doctors office because no one called me about it for 4 days, and all the nurse said was, "The MRI shows Abnormal amounts of food in the lower intestines and colon. (She asked if I am constipated, which I am not, and in fact usually have the opposite problem, which suggests as I already suspected, I'm not properly absorbing my food, the question is why I have abnormal motility in my intestinal track.) So she said, "If abdominal pain still persists, see your general practitioner for further testing."

That's it!  Thank you for your prayers while I tried to figure this out, but I am still a bit confused. I am grateful that this time the doctor didn't tell me "You seem to be fine physically, maybe its just anxiety" like they did 3 years ago. And this time the doctor and the nurses were very validating, Dr. Curtis said "Sometimes there is no test for certain problems, doesn't mean there isn't a problem." Dr. Smith said, "It really sounds like celiac or gluten intolerance."  The nurse said, "You're not a hypochondriac, your a mother, the caretakers don't want to make a big deal about their health problems because they are taking care of everyone else, but you need to take care of you and figure this out."  And this time, there is at least some evidence that something is off. However, in order to find out what that is I would most likely have to spend exorbitant amounts of money on a specialist and be "further tested," so for now, I will keep being grateful for the functionality I still have and try to take as good care of myself as I know how. And yes, I still believe my theory that I have hereditary pancreatitis.

Grateful

Today I am overflowing with gratitude for my life. I know I have entered old age kicking and screaming, so bitter and frustrated that my body doesn't function like it used to, but in many ways I still functions very well. How fortunate I am!  I don't spend nearly enough time writing about or thinking about how wonderful life is, I'm so busy surviving I don't take time to live.

I'm grateful for freedom to move and live according to my will, freedom from tyrannical government and freedom to worship as I choose, freedom to choose to be happy and friendly and kind to others instead of bitter and resentful.  I'm grateful for companionship and love and family, I'm grateful for a smart hard working husband who provides me financial security and trusts me with our finances. I'm grateful for three healthy intelligent children who are precious and learning and doing their best with the life given them. I'm grateful for family and friends all around me, for those who listen and support and love me despite my weaknesses, who pray for me and are there if I ever need anything. I'm grateful for cars, and washers and dryers, dishwashers, phones, internet, and instant communication. I'm grateful for clean water, available and abundant food, and millions of recipes at our fingertips. I'm grateful for doctors and tests and healthcare, I can see so many trying to push against the darkness of not understanding how our bodies work and find enlightenment to increase our quality of life and help us live longer and easier. I'm grateful for God, my Heavenly Father, and His Son, my Savior, and I trust him and will try to be patient, finding joy in each day and being willing to submit to His will no matter what. 

"Oh, earth, you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every, every minute?"

--Our Town by Thornton Wilder