Human

I was going to title this entry "depressed" or "prone to depression" but it has been so long since I was really depressed I don't feel like that describes me so much anymore. I must say though that I used to get very, very depressed. My baby-delivering years were interspersed with dark, bleak periods of time when I felt my heart was covered in stone and my future filled with despair. I'm not sure how my marriage survived it to be honest, I would go along for a few days like everything was fine and then I would melt down and everything was a disaster, and it was all Jared or all me and all unsolvable. Most of the relationships I had with family members were affected in some way by my "I hate everything" aura, I pushed people away and held myself inside my lonely darkness, secretly wishing someone loved me enough to come pluck me out. But as any recovered depressed person knows, only you can climb out of that kind of pit yourself, no one can pull you out.  Many times I felt like I had no right to be married, and divorce and suicide crossed my mind more than a few times. It's horrible to admit, but that's where my brain was at the time. Postpartum depression had a strong hold on me after Fiora (2003) and Weston (2004) were born, and in 2005 that depression still wasn't gone. I kept thinking I'd beat it and then something would happen to totally knock me down again. I was emotionally unstable and vulnerable, and had no idea why as I was immensely blessed in so many ways. Jared and I couldn't understand why someone so "righteous" was so miserable. I read my scriptures daily, kept all the commandments, went to church faithfully, was temple worthy, and yet I hated myself and life so much I didn't want to keep living.
I sought professional help in 2005, I was embarrassed beyond belief to see a therapist, but didn't know what else to do. I started reading books about people who overcame depression and much to my shame took antidepressant medication.  I started a giant journal to write things I felt so I could cope and practice my mental health tools. I went up and down for a while, and I felt strongly I should go back to school in mental health so I could figure out how to beat depression for good. But I felt like I had one more child to bear, and when I got pregnant with Lillian, my 4th child, the depression abated as it usually does when I get pregnant. Lillian's story best saved for another entry.
I still get down sometimes, and even so much as to wish I didn't have to live another day, but that's because I tend to feel emotions to the extreme.  When I'm happy I'm really happy, when I'm sad I'm REALLY sad, there are lots of moments in between, but when I'm in the sad, scared, discouraged, angry place it feels like there is no way out of it. I have such high hopes when I'm in a good place that I'll be able to stay in that good place, I make goals and write inspiring words and do all good things, and then the inevitable crash comes. I'm emotional, those emotions aren't often at the surface, but they are constantly churning underneath threatening to erupt. That's why this song "Human" by Christina Perri always makes me cry.

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human


I've learned how to manage the depression so I don't get back in the pit of despair, but I'm far from being able to perfectly control my emotions. I long for the day I'm no longer just human. When I think of myself or others in their glorified immortal state, I see an image of a person with full ability to love perfectly without interference from strong negative emotions. No insecurity, full of hope, no low self image, no jealously or comparison, no fear, no inadequacy, no anxiety, no despair. Just love and joy radiating. I have moments of that in this life, but because I'm human it is only moments.What I'm here is to learn to control those emotions and my bodily appetites, that is why the Atonement of Christ is the greatest of all the gifts of God.


"We came to this earth that we might have a body and present it pure before God in the Celestial Kingdom." -Joseph Smith

"By temperance and moderation lay the foundation for the development of the mind. God designs that we shall engage in this great work of restoration. Then let us not trifle with our mission, by indulging in the use of injurious substances. These lay the foundation of disease and death in the systems of men... Do you know that it is your privilege so to live that your minds may all the time be perfectly within your control? Study to preserve your bodies in life and health, and you will be able to control your minds.

...it will take generations to entirely eradicate the influences of deleterious substances. This must be done before we can attain our paradisiacal state, for the Lord will bring again Zion to its paradisiacal state." -- Discourses of Brigham Young