Spiritual

Teilhard de Chardin said, "We are not human beings who have a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience."  
I pair this entry with the last intentionally. Whatever human limitations I have does not and has not ever kept me apart from my spiritual heritage. I have been singing "I am a Child of God" for as long as I can remember, as a youth I recited "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love him." When I moved to Cedar Hills in my adolescence, our Bishop there affectionately called me "Mormonetta", referring to the fact that I reminded him of the prophet Mormon, he would tell me "I perceive thou art a sober child, quick to observe" just like the scriptures say in Mormon chapter 1, and "I, being fifteen years of age and being somewhat of a sober mind, therefore I...tasted and knew of the goodness of Jesus."  I developed a testimony of the truthfulness of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints at a young age, and was proud of my endearing title and reference to a very faithful and spiritual servant of God.  I knew with a surety that the church is true, the Book of Mormon the word of God, that Joseph Smith was a true prophet who restored the Lord's church in the latter days, and that I needed to heed the words of the modern day prophet and center on Christ. I felt the Spirit again and again confirm that to me. 
That doesn't mean I didn't make a lot of mistakes.
Throughout my life I have kept my spiritual perspective a high priority, earthly matters were of little significance to me. I soaked in all the inspiration I could get from various sources, scriptures, church talks, motivational speakers, etc. I became infatuated with CS Lewis in college and read all the books he wrote I could get my hands on. I became a quote girl, pasting inspiring quotes on my walls and writing them in my journal, and quoting my inspiration if ever a person provided a receptive ear.  You could say I was spiritual to a fault, as it caused me to be judgmental in various ways and some probably considered me self righteous. I was that girl who confronted you if you skipped seminary and told you off if you hung out with friends who were a "bad influence." In one of the greatest talks I ever wrote to my college ward at age 19 on Charity, I offended my mother and brother by referencing them in an example where my brother didn't show charity and I had to inspire him to the way of truth and light. My mother wrote a letter to me trying to explain my error, but I was hurt and offended that she didn't appreciate my great words of wisdom.  I was somewhat blind to how I cam across. This ultra-spiritual mindset worked more or less until I was married, and even less when I had children. 
I remember the devastation I felt when in a session with my therapist, I recounted how upset I had become with my husband for bringing a movie with questionable content home and watching it, and she suggested that Jared's assertion that "the contention I cause in our marriage over it is worse than the sin of watching the movie" is probably right. Who was more right is a moot point, my therapist was trying to give me self awareness about how judging others, being "too righteous," was making me unhappy and those around me unhappy too.  God's commandments and preaching the truth was more important that peoples' feelings at the time, from about age 12 to 28 that was my mindset.
Learning to see this inner dynamic within me, and my flawed approach to true charity and spirituality was ridiculously hard for me. I'm trying to not make mistakes, but the way I was going about it was a mistake. After some time feeling sorry for myself about this, I repented, and I have since tried to find a balance between integrity and compassion for others, and it has helped me build compassion for myself which has been very healing. 
I hate making mistakes, and it was hard to see that I had failed to fully acknowledge the strengthening aspect of the atonement in my life, and mistakenly believed I had to carry my load all alone, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline and with my obviously limited capacities. It did not work.  It only caused me to lose faith in myself and those around me, because I just keep messing up. I remember when I was recovering from depression how much the idea of the Atonement helped me heal, to finally internalize that what we're here for is to learn and we learn from our mistakes, and Jesus Christ made an eternal sacrifice so I and everyone else could make these mistakes and learn and grow, and still return to our Perfect Father in Heaven.  He didn't die for us to keep us from error, he saved us from error.  It's incomprehensible love. 
As David Bednar says, "It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to earth to die for us. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to enliven us--not only to guide but also to strengthen and heal us."  My first lesson was that he died for me, my second lesson was he will guide and strengthen me.  In order to overcome my tendency to worry and feel scared and anxious I had to develop faith in the Savior.  As I many times have stepped off the cliff with faith that the Lord would provide an unseen bridge--having a fourth child, watching that child suffer and be called back home, wading through graduate school with 3 young children, even facing an angry client--I have learned again and again I need Him every hour, I cannot do it alone. Even if I have a strong belief in myself, I wouldn't do what I need to do without a stronger belief that His angels are round about me to bear me up, and he is in my front and my back, and He will not give me more than I am able to bear.  
I continue to develop my spirituality, trying to have patience with my humanness that sometimes gets in the way.  I have had a recent experience with the healing aspect of the Atonement, and power of the priesthood. If I were standing before you, I would testify with great strength that He has power to heal those who have faith in Him, but these words will have to serve that purpose. He has healed me mind and body.  In the next entry I will share my miracle of healing. 
"Because of [the son of God's] infinite and eternal sacrifice, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy. He can reach out, touch, succor, heal, and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do relying only upon our own power. Indeed, His yoke is easy and His burden is light."-- David Bednar

"The real purpose of attaining better physical health and longer life is not just the mere enjoyment of a pain and disease free existence, but a higher, divine purpose for which life was given to us. All endeavors toward attaining better health would be wasted efforts unless the healthy body is used as a worthy temple in which the spirit will dwell and be developed. The purpose of our lives is not just the building of beautiful bodies, but perfecting and refining our divine spirit and becoming more God-like. I wish to emphasize that there is a divine nature and purpose to all life, and that the real reason for achieving good health and building a strong, healthy body, is to prepare a way for our spiritual growth and perfection. Freed from disease and pain, we can pursue our true purpose in life--the perfection and refinement of our divine spirit" --Paavo Airola "Hypoglycemia: A better approach"